Jujumama

It’s a sad state of affairs people.  With the infidelity rate at 60% in the United States – yes this is higher than the divorce rate – our culture is experiencing the worst relationship scenario in a long time.  Women and men are simply not seeing eye to eye on the issue of fidelity.  It is not as simple as we’d all like to conclude:  Men just don’t want to be faithful.  It is much deeper than this.  I am finding quite often that men and women simply desire more than their partner can provide, sexually, mentally and spiritually.  I am sure there is a bright side.  There is always a bright side, right?

The issue is ownership.  Should marriage equate to total ownership of another human being, his mind, body and spirit I mean?  When I married at age 21 of course I believed that it did.  I wanted to own my husband.  I wanted to be his only source for emotional connection on an intimate level, as well, I wanted to own his body just as I suspected he wanted to own mine.  I couldn’t see a socially acceptable way around this…but now, maybe like you, I find myself in a severe quandary.

Maybe you are not yet clear on what I mean.  Here are two issues:

Challenge:  I want to own my husband emotionally

Chris Rock made a joke of this in his recent comedy DVD.  He stated that most women are not glad to see her man happy unless she has made him happy.  OK.  That is simply not true, is it ladies? Rock noted that his wife becomes irritable if he has a big, goofy smile on his face for no reason at all, or because he has just come back from a fun event, or because he is thinking of a fun event that he will participate in without her. It all equates to women wanting to own the only right to make her husband smile in that special way.

Let’s take a closer look.  I have tried to find this in my relationship.  I can’t agree with Chris in that I do like to see my husband happy.  However, over the years I have noticed that if his happiness has come from interacting with another woman, even on a friendship basis, my feathers get ruffled.  I simply have not been able to shake the idea that if he smiles at her, lovingly, spends time with her beyond a brief moment, or embraces her with is charm, I notice an immediate, negative, internal reaction.

Of course when he asks me what is wrong I state ‘nothing’.  But inside, I know exactly what is wrong.  He is giddy over an emotional connection with another female.  Simply stated, I want to own that part of him in it’s entirety.  I don’t want to share him emotionally with any other woman.  How common is that?  Where are you on this issue?

Challenge:  I want to own my husband sexually

This is not a problem, right?  Marriage is supposed to mean that his penis belongs to me.  I mean this is just a common fact of life here in the states.  9 out of 10 women would agree.  However, with the infidelity rate at 60% – and that is not simply men cheating on women – how can I continue to actually believe fidelity is feasible, viable, or even possible?  Where did this idea come from and who drilled it into my brain?  I feel like I’ve had a lobotomy that no one told me about as I wake from the stupor of social conditioning!

Let’s break this down.  I myself have seen many a fine man and wanted to instantly make mad, passionate love with him.  Have I acted upon it?  Well, sort of.  My husband and I are evolved.  We have explored the idea of an open relationship and have tried various routes.  I try to shake this thought, but I believe that if I act upon what I consider to be natural instinct that I’d be in violation of my marital covenant and maybe even deemed a naughty girl, a whore, or at best a cheater.  My husband, bless his heart, assures me that this is not the case.  But I don’t believe him.  So I refrain and hold that energy for my man.  Sounds logical so far right.

But what of the fact that those desires never go away?  Is this just a test of the devil?  Who’s warped view is that?  I don’t even believe in the devil – or do I (this lobotomy sucks!)  What of the fact that this constant suppression of energy may or may not be helpful to my growth and development and what of the fact that if I were to attempt to hold by bowels in this way that I’d be sick as a dog?  Nothing of that fact, huh?  To hold the bowels and to suppress the sexual urge are two different animals all together.  Forget about those nasty desires and try with all your might to hold the energy, suppress the emotion and kill the natural drive for expansion and passion.  Don’t sin, be a good girl, hold your loins, lust is the root to all evil…blah blah blah…

Is it Biblical rule or social brainwashing that has us so pent up sexually that the largest industry on the Internet is porn?  Is it natural rule or social conditioning that has us running from ourselves in an awkward attempt to bottle up the human, spiritual drive to relate to others with love?  Who disconnected sex from love adn why did they do it?  What were their motives?  How long will this lunacy last?  And does the situation work (I think that is the most pertinent question.)  Is this relationship paradigm working for you?  Be honest.

Looking at the inverse situation, our marriages are riddled with infidelity and lies.  Is it that we are a nation of social misfits with titty bars, prostitues and porn being our dirty little escape?  Or is it that we are breaking social rules that have never had an adequate context except to keep people in their place and keep order among the peons?  Consider the fact that societies have not always been run this way.  There are Native and Indigenous groups all over the world that do not hold sex as a commodity to be purchased at marriage and held indefinitely.

In fact I have studied cultures who believed in a primary union between man and woman, but it had nothing to do with sex; rather, the union was a social contract.  The men go hunting, my man’s share of the meat goes to us and our kids.  I cook the meat for us and our kids.  We are responsible for the children bor from my womb.  But sex, the blissful act of connection to God itself, Sex is something to be shared with anyone in the community.  Women were once at the helm of her own loins deciding whom she would share her passion with.  There was no violation to sharing bodies and loving deeply with anyone she chose.

So when did this concept of ownership enter the relationship paradigm? I have to do some research to find out. But I tell you, it’s getting really old.  I don’t want to feel angry when my husband has the same natural responses to other women as I have to other men.  I don’t want to feel emotionally out of control when he desires affection from these women the way I desire affection from other men.  I don’t want this silliness for my daughters or my sons.  I want to see sex for what it is, a deeply spiritual,  healing exchange between human beings that can only beget the good…

And you are asking yourself, well what of diseases Kenya K?  What about the safety factor?  I hear you.  However, I have a slightly different spin on this.  I believe human beings are creating reality, even mass illness, with negative thought.  I believe that emotional imbalance is the root to all health disorders.  If we are a culture of guilty sex, with individuals shamed to death from puberty onward for having sexual thoughts and acting upon them, then we create an illness from this guilt.  I believe that sexual illnesses are a direct result of sexual guilt and shame.  Now you might say ‘no way – the government created aids and so forth’.  I happen not to buy that.  I don’t give the government power over my life.  Sure they may have created the substance itself, but we created the possibility for the illness with our sexual guilt and shame just as I created cancer in my womb from anger, depression and my reaction to childhood trauma.

Can I prove any of this?  No.  But I can ask the question again.  Is our relationship paradigm working for you?  50% answer NO – the divorce rate proves it.  In my book 50% is an F.  A big fat F.  It doesn’t work.  Why are we afraid to try something new?

Well, not me, not anymore.  I am currently working on book two of Change Your Man.  I intend to include bold, new solutions – the very spiritually based solutions I am now employing in my marriage.  I DO NOT OWN MY MAN.  I do not own his penis, his spirit, or his mind.  I can no longer hold my happiness ransom to his total dependency on me for all things emotional, sexual and spiritual.  How foolish I was to believe that this was even possible – to own another human being – lunacy.  It’s the lobotomy.

Th notion is as silly as owning land, water and air.  How foolish to believe that we can own trees, animals, or the moon.  How dumb to actually think we can own the sun, stars and sky.  We human beings are just like those intangible realities.  We can place our arrogant flags on the moon and say we’ve conquered it – but it laughs at us and states, I am one with you – I am one with all.  You cannot own the moon and you cannot own a human being.

Because the ownership of bodies began with patriarchal rule, men in particular may have a difficult time releasing women into this new paradigm.  For men, we are property to be owned like chattel slaves.  When we even so much as mention another man, our men become angry, dissatisfied, and insecure.  Men, I feel, may have a deeper issue with this than women.  But the time is now to begin to awaken from our drunken slumber and find real solutions so that our children, and their children don’t have to live under a false sense of security thinking that they will someday grow up, marry and own another human being.  It is simply time to rethink this.

So I have discovered the bright side.  We are being forced to create new solutions. I believe the solutions are far from ordinary and may be individual solutions for each marriage.  I find myself, today, in a challenge of ownership where the only way out is OUT!  I have to find a way out of a pitifully small mold that no longer suits me.  I have to find a way out of a mindset that is based on Protestant, Victorian, Patriarchal values.  Finally, after 13 years of blissful marital union I am facing the fact that I cannot own another person and that one cannot own me.  I feel insecure about this outness.  Out with the old and in with new means creating a new mold.  Now how the hell am I supposed to do that?  I dun know, but I will because:

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…stay tuned.

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