Jujumama's Love Academy

So a few weeks ago I posted an article about a Cheating man.  First off, ‘cheating’ is a stupid word.  I mean WTF does that mean?  Cheating implies that we are playing a game in the first place.  Games are just that!  Relationships are not games.  Come on!

Let us address the article and comments…

So in summary, this man was talking about how he ‘cheats’ on his wife and will never stop, end of story.  He said that he never wanted to be married or domesticated and that this woman had simply leashed him to conform to societal norms as a bi-product of her need to control.

He had gone along willingly because he truly loves his woman and wants to see her happy.   And do not get him wrong, he too is ‘happy’.  A devoted family man, and provider, but he desires moments ‘out’.  It helps him feel OK with things.  He thinks it is only fair and that she never has to know…

Read this man’s initial post here…

Come back when you are done to check theses reader comments.

Damia Said:

Its good to hear this from the “horses mouth.” I believe his point of view is very common. I was not upset by it because I sometimes feel the same way. However, being a woman of child bearing years, I still desire the “support” and “security” of a marriage in which to have children. Does having this mean I alienate the man I love or who loves me? Perhaps there should be an annual review or something to determine whether the relationship is still serving our needs. Not sure, just a few thoughts…

JujuMama: I agree Damia!   To desire support and security is normal for women.  Men love to provide this, but what does security have to do with his penis?  Uh Oh – Yes, I went there.  Many women have been trained since youth to desire a man love ONLY us.  Conditioned by lots of foolish tales called Soap Operas, Sit-Coms, and so forth, this has always been a sticky point -  releasing the need to control.

I found in marriage that security and support flow when I allow my man to lead.  Women cannot expect men to secure a Independent Minded Diva!  LOL!  For our first 11 years together, I was boss! Many women do not receive a leading man very well.  At year 12 I  gave up my female penis and gave him back the pants.  Talk about alienation, my man was on the verge of going nuts by the time I was done with him. “Secure me baby, but follow my damned orders…” Confusing.

Once I surrendered, I thought he was going to feel better about the relationship and he did.  However, he also began to find more interest in women!  What?!  I was pissed off! I thought that allowing him to lead would look getting my way and just allowing him to think he is the boss.  When he began leading us based on what he considered to be our best interest, I flipped!  Now what does this have to do with a Cheating man?

Dig it…It seems odd that women want a sensitive, homebody of a man and a Gangsta Lovah wrapped into one!  Not that it does not exist, but…The harder the man, the more women he will attract – point blank period!

We ladies talk a lot of mess, but mostly we want a hard bodied, confident and capable man!  The problem is,  most of those ‘types’ actually LOVE women!  So what are we saying?  ON the one hand we want a sensitive, domesticated, ‘decent’ man who will only desire ONE WOMAN for the rest of his days (that’s 50 years or more).  So let me get this straight, we want a Hard, Gangsta, Fine and Sexy metro-sexual dude with a Thug Swagger?  Help?

It’s like we want to control and have our way with the dude (sensitive) and on the other hand we want him to be strong, independent and protective (hard).  Most important we want him to turn these things on and off at our whims.  Be strong in the bedroom with a tad of sensitivity and then be sweet at the home with a touch of maleness, help with dishes and wash my hair for me, be my bestest friend… But then get your arse to work and make a good living for me, take care of me, work hard for me!   Then on top of all that – do not let that Thug be out looking at the back end of other chicks!  That’s when we go ballistic!  Confusing…

How do we expect men to manage this type of situation?  I guess the same way we have managed being outside the home as primary income earners and mothers of children for the past 40 years.  But is it working?  Are families and communities working well in this model, hmmmmm, let’s see – 60% divorce rate, 66% of all married people have ‘cheated’ 82% of African American children live in a single parent or broken home.  Ummmm – I don’t think so.

I think it is time to rethink this on both ends…Women don’t want to be both men and women and men don’t want to be both either.  That is not to say that each sex does not embody both feminine and masculine energy, but I found that for my own relationship, I had to decide which I was going to bring to the table as to avoid the route to fast divorce.  My husband did not want the feminine role, so I took it – albeit reluctantly.  (Schools, all American schools train ONLY men!  They made a man of me fo sho!)

MadSexy Said:

Thank you for sharing. Nothing in this blog is a surprise to me. I have encountered so many unhappily married men that are out here just creepin’. All their conversations are the same — ” remember when we use to laugh, make love, play — and then we had kids and things changed. She started coming to bed in rollers, gained weight, blah-za-splee-yada-yada-yada…”

As a single woman, I would like to have a committed relationship, however I am not all caught up in the legalities of matrimony.

Open relationship? I am open to the possibilities, absolutely. Variety is the spice of life. A little nibble here, a snick-n-snacken there — just as long as I have the full 5-star meal with bone china, crystal goblets and silver flatware at home

Jujumama: AGREED!!  LOVE THIS COMMENT Mad Sexy!  You are right on target lady!

Tiko Said:

My feelings are…the solution to these situations is not always “lets have an open relationship.” Sometimes, the solution is HONEST COMMUNICATION. Obviously there’s a problem with communication, expressing what it is we really want, doing things out of love and not obligation.

I feel like our bigger problem is not monogamy, but really being real with ourselves and one another. In this example, he’s created a huge mess for himself because he was doing what he thought he should, or what others wanted him to do. And, instead of going to the root of the problem, he’s pleased with his band-aids and doesn’t want to hear anything about it.

You can try to use temporary devices to fix a crack in a dam…but eventually its gonna blow. This open relationship because ‘I don’t know how to express my true needs’ and ‘I don’t know how to meet my own needs when someone doesn’t give it to me’, is a cop out. Again, I have no problems with an open relationships, I think they can be great…but I think it’s dangerous to use it as a easier way to face a problem that desperately needs to be addressed.

JujuMama: AGREED – I really do agree with the fact that you can NEVER heal a bad relationship by having an open marriage.  This is not the way to find the solution.  I believe that this man has a few unresolved ‘issues’ that he is covering with a Band-Aid, but I also know me.  I roped my husband the same way, in fact I told him flat out that if he did not marry me or was not intending on it that he could have his walking papers.  He did not want to lose me, so he married me.  I was 21 years old at the time, so please do not hold it against me.  I have since learned that marriage does not secure me.  Marriage is lovely and I love it, but there is work to be done on my own self to make the marriage work.  I used to believe the opposite, that when we marry, all the problems vanish…folly!

So when I hear you say they need to COMMUNICATE, I agree, except for the fact that I did not allow my husband to communicate.  IF he ever came to me with some shit that I did not like, I would shut the conversation down with either tears or massive warrior like retaliation.

I did not allow my husband a safe space to speak his mind and he did not want to do battle with me so he shut his feeling deep within and has only just begun to share his true self as I have mellowed out from wisdom and maybe old age – LOL!

Clouceworc Said:

I think he makes some very good points. Too often women associate a man’s desire for seduction with a lack of something he isn’t getting at home. I think women who pay attention will understand….its not just a joke or something cute to say, its science…we are naturally programmed to seek out a variety of sexual mates…and the more we try to fight it…sometimes the harder it gets.

And the switch isnt easily turned on or off just because we are supposed to have this total control of our loins or maturity……it is truly defined by the options that present themselves to us.

I think the best that women can do is to embrace a man’s natural desire to fantasize for sexual variety…..and try their best to BE that “stranger in my house” that Deborah Cox sings about instead of chastising the man or feeling insecure about something that happens to us naturally whether we want it to or not.

JujuMama: AGREED!  Who’s paradigm is this anyway?  Sometimes people get really indignant when I discuss monogamy.  They are dead set on believing that this is a HOLY form of living when it is actually a superimposition of one culture’s values upon the variety of ‘right ways’ that take on a plethora of forms.  Who says monogamy is HOLY?  OK, do not tell me the Bible not when we have Abraham with all those wives.  So if it is not the Bible, then where did this idea come from that for 80 years a man and woman should hold to a ’sacred covenant’ of monogamy?  Please someone help me with this.  Show me the holy scribe that perscribes this…

So yes, I do feel it is natural for human beings to seek LOVE from others.  I do not seperate Sex and Love, however, I do feel that when we seek sex without love we may not receive the true and spiritual benefits and healing from the sex act.

Darling Said:

This, I can appreciate. He did many women a favor. However, I do caution all of us (male/female) about BROAD stroke because behavior and certainly “choices” are not one size fit all.

Further, I believe that there are also women who feel the exact same way. I’ve even found that the older, devoted, and even religious matriarch of my family had their way of “steppin out” and keeping home in tact. I agree with one blogger that this does not set the stage for an open relationship. I do believe we don’t have to continue the game of victimhood in relationship either. While, I treasure monogamy as the rule for me we are surrounded by those for who it is an exception. There are no guarantees. . .you know…a good christian man or woman who has this impetuous only covers it, the good muslim man or woman justifies it with polygamy and the unchurched continues with both cover and justification. LOL!!! There are times when the mind wonders and body follows for both husbands and wives, don’t get it twisted. I think we just resent that fact that when and if we should do it – it’s not as acceptable.

I wonder would the approach to male/female relationship a more equal playing field if THE MAN understood that what’s good for the goose is good for the gander and the WOMEN would be empowered by owning that position?

JUJUMAMA: Whats good for the Goose is Good for the Gander!  I like that!  Agreed!

The really interesting point in the post is that monogamy or polyamory are not one size fits all and it is not for everyone.  My husband and I, again, have a very strong spiritual connection, family foundation, and discipline.  We aren’t out there looking for ass in a Swing style situation – which is fine for those who choose it, of course.

Our Open Relationship is more of a Progressive Relationship in that we simply do not believe in the ownership of another human being.  He has released the need to own me and I, rather reluctantly, released the need to own him, but once I did, I found the mental and spiritual freedom intoxicating.  Not intoxicating enough to lead me out into the streets in search of random men, but it simply opened me to the possibility of expanding my consciousness and receiving even more bliss, love and mutual affection from all human beings.

Limiting myself all these years to my husband was a necessary step, an initiation of sorts.  Sure I had men approach me earlier in the marriage.  But my saying no to so many fine brothers for so many years helped me to know that I am a balanced and whole individual who can now CHOOSE rather than be lead by fear or lower forces.  I love it!

I agree with this post and I will say finally that if a couple is desirous of an open relationship due to serious issues in the current situation, it may backfire.  I like the cup analogy.  When the cup of Bliss Love and Lite are full in the current marriage, the cup runnith over and MORE is infinitely possible.  However, filling that cup is not easy – it takes work, dedication, commitment to spiritual growth and development.  That is what I think at least.  But to each his own.

BlueJewel Said:

I agree with each and every comment as they’ve each cosigned many of my own thoughts. I’m in no place to pass judgement or say what’s right or wrong. I concerns would be is he using condoms? Is she (who he’s stepping out with) using her own form of birth control? Are adequate precautionary measures being taken all around i.e, fatal attraction potential, stalkers, etc. There is a plethora of things that need to be considered when one engages in activities outside of the home.

I most assuredly agree with Darling’s closing comment about what’s good for the goose should equally be good for the gander.

JujuMama: I agree.  We must consider the risks and also consider the bliss…

Skye Said:

It occurred to me that many women are doing the same thing in their way…conversation,e-mails emotional cheating and getting the same fulfillment men get. It’s about connecting to what means the most to you.

Often time, for women above the belt men below….If women’s above the belt works well it can slip to below..doesn’t happen the same way for men.

Marriage is about family and commitment not always romantic sexual love(although those things are great.
He made some good observations and for the record men could get a better understanding of the female physiology and the fact that it changes a lot between 35-55.

It’s not all about his needs nor is all about hers.It’s about if you make a commitment that’s it a commitment.If you don’t want to don’t pretend to want to to get the “Good Women” then dog her ..just keep being single man with all the privilege and none of the adult responsibility.

I am married happy sometimes unhappy sometimes..When I was single it was the same 50-50 no grass is that green. I am joyful all the time with myself.

I see this man’s attitude played out in all the broken families it creates. Perhaps we should just say no to children if we don’t want to “family” them properly.

JujuMama: Odd, this one began well, I appreciate the above the belt, below the belt comments.  And it is true, we all need connection with people in the world, emotional connection, intimate connection, maybe sexual connection too.  However, things go bad when communication and a strong foundation needed to shoulder this form of relationship is not cultivated.  Earlier I addressed the communication issues, which woman would not flip out if her man told her how really felt on the inside about monogamy?  Not to say that all men are Poly, I’m just saying…

But yes, a break down in the relationship of men and women can lead to a terrible situation. Maybe he should not have gotten married, but I think it runs deeper.  This couple found one another for a reason.  He may be hiding things from her, but I am certain, just as the sky is blue, that she too holds back from him.  Mates are Mirrors, right?  I do not believe in victims or villains.  People are getting what they get because they are who they are…

I’ll write about that in a future post.  I hope you leave your comment!

Blessings!

Kenya K Stevens, Author, Change Your Man