New paradigm thought is not like the old stuff. Gone are the days when we could cut the fool all week and then go to church on Sunday to be ‘forgiven’. That is a dying school of thought that lacks the component of human beings take 100% responsibility for the creation of LIFE. New Paradigm Thought does not suggest the absence of a higher power. It simply denotes the fact that a higher power infused itself into us and placed us here to grow through experiences to achieve heaven on Earth rather than after death… (no such thing as death, then?)
Here are a few remnants of that dying thing called the Western Relationship Paradigm with the emerging counterparts:
- Blame vs Responsibility
- Shame vs Tolerance
- Envy vs Acceptance
- Jealousy vs Compersion
- Grudges vs Empathy
- Anger vs Joy
Lets begin with the obvious. You chose that lover of yours now didn’t you? When things get hard, which they will, the first thing we do as Westerners is blame the other person or blame ourselves! Neither of these are going to work much longer. As Aquarius makes her way back to Earth, we are drawn in a new, sexy, direction.Â
Taking 100% responsibility for the situation is so liberating!
Often clients say ‘Well, Kenya K, why should I take 100% responsibility – isn’t that man or that woman 50% of the problem if not more?’. My response to them is simple. New Paradigm thought [which is actually ancient, holistic thought] is based on the fact that we all exist in our own Universe – Parallel Universes! My Universe is MINE. Everything that happens to me is a part of my Universe. Everything that happens to my mate is occurring in his Universe. So, in essence, when some shit goes down, we both have 100% responsibility for it.
When we view life in this way, we are making room for the obvious – World Peace!
Check this out…My “shamefully evolved” weekend story!
I mean really, imagine teaching your children this way of thinking. What would happen when they came home complaining about an unfair teacher, a bully, or bad grades? What if we taught them they are creating life in their own Universe? We would assist them in figuring out how they created this ‘unfair’ teacher or nasty friend…
It would begin this way – “Well Billy, what do you think about school? Do you expect to be bullied based on your size? Are you walking in fear because you are smaller than the other boys? In terms of the teacher, do you know how smart you are? Do you understand that you can have any grade you want? What makes you believe that a challenge equates to unfair treatment? Do you feel that this teacher is pushing you outside your comfort zone? Do you know that Shaq and Jordon and Tiger Woods became the best Athletes in the world by being pushed outside the comfort zone?
Let me show you how to create better – let’s draw a picture of what you want – meditate on what you want – I will help you. Let’s figure out why you resist growth. What does that teacher want that you are unwilling to give and why?
YES!!!!! - now that boy is going to go on in life to make miracles… especially if a parent were to help him to see these things…and work them out in his SOUL! Do you see the power in that?
So back to the relationship piece. These are the questions you have to ask yourself when a terrible thing happens. How did that thing land in your Universe? Is it to push you to grow beyond old beliefs, fears and expectations? Is it that you need to refine your desires? You know the answer to that, do not play with me. Now to figure out HOW to shift it, WHY it occurred, WHAT is the lesson, WHO do you need to be to shift it, WHEN did it all begin?
I will tell you a funny story that happened this weekend with my husband. It was not funny at the time, but now I laugh about it. This is a secret story that I did not want anyone to know about – I kinda hid it here on the second page of this article only for those who clicked through – LOL! But this shit is crazy!
Friday night we had an event in Atlanta – It went off without a hitch the thing was PERFECT! We came home and went to sleep – no sex, no love, just sleep! It had been a week since we’d made love and this was irritating to me. But I was too tired to make anything happen although he was spooning me crazy and tempting me as I drifted away into La La land…
Saturday morning, Valentine’s Day, we got up late. Still no sex, by then our five year old had already found his way to our bed – cock blocker – and so we settled on getting up and having a nice brunch out. My husband surprised me with roses and lovely champagne, card and balloon right there in the restaurant. Other chicks were like looking at me maybe thinking ‘what did that B do to deserve all of that?’ But it felt great to be the center of attention and loved by hubby…
As soon as we got home the crap hit the fan. My husband had to go out and take the chairs from the event back to the rental place. He told me what I already knew, that he was also going to stay out and take his other friend to dinner for Valentine’s day. WTF? I was screaming from the inside – NOOOOOOOOOO. It’s Valentine’s Day dammit! But I said – OK Honey – in the wrong spirit…
[Do not tune out just because this story is about our open relationship - this applies to monogamy too - we just so happen to have done that for almost 14 years already... so this is our current challenge just like all the monogamous ones we had]
So there I sat with the kids all day, working on my company business, and steaming with a slow burn from the inside out. He told me he would call me later to check in on me. 10:30 came and he hadn’t called yet, so I sent a text. “Honey – did you forget to check in on me – hope you are having fun”.
No response.
11:30 I sent another text – 12:30 another text – 1:30 another text – 2:30 AM I called his ass. I do not care. I did not want to interrupt his evening out, in fact we have spent 13 years of Valentine’s Days together, why should I be upset that he is out this day with another friend. If I could have, I would have established my own date nite. But I had been working all week, too busy to think about it… I think also I really did not believe that he would go out on Valentine’s Day with another friend.
He answered the phone at 2:30 AM. He told me he hadn’t gotten my texts. OK? So we spoke. I shared with him in a very mellow way the ways the I was feeling. Careful not to place blame on him and just stick to the facts about the ways I was feeling. He responded well. He said that the evening had been a mistake. He thought he would hang with this sister because she was more ‘western’ than I and really felt Valentine’s Day to be an important day when for years my militant ass was just not down with celebrating love for one day only. He also apologized for not asking me about how I really felt about this.
Most important, he told me that he now sees the difference in how he behaves with me and how he behaves with others. He is willing to spend 22 hours with this young lady, while the time we spend together is working for one of our three companies, or dealing with business, home, children and so forth. Even when we went to LA last week, he was working on-line and I was networking and focused on company business – no time together – in fact we slept in separate hotel beds…
So all was well – we spoke until 3:30 AM and I went to bed. I had passed the first vulnerability test! Hooray!
Well, the only last problem I was having with him is that he didn’t give me an ETA for the next day. The kids were wanting a family day and so was mommy. But he didn’t want to give an ETA as not to disturb his time with her. He wanted to just flow…whatever. So even as I was appeased by his bold apology – I was still pissed about the ETA. I have been your wife for 14 years – I deserve an ETA! LOL! (I was being pushed outside the comfort zone).
Needless to say when he walked in at noon I had already sent him a text that we were out! A lie, we were in. He came in and found me. I was kinda hiding behind a large task of doing laundry in the upstairs laundry room. He attempted to hug me and juked him! I exited the room under his loving arms and evaded the hug with a pissed huff on my face.
That set him off. Men hate to fail at anything. I was not allowing him to succeed at this make up session.
I went to my room to lament and pray that he chase me and give me MORE MORE MORE! But he did not follow me – typical – he went down to his office and got on the computer. I texted again – ’so you are back to work?’. He didn’t get the text.
Finally he came up and asked us were we ready to go… hell no I thought. I am going to make this difficult because I am having a difficult time stepping out of my old ways and being receptive to you. I slowly got dressed. The kids and hubby were on the lawn playing football when I finally emerged half dressed to tell them that I was not going to go out with them for family fun day.
WHY did I do this? Unable to stretch beyond my old habits. The little girl in me needed MORE MORE MORE!
So they got in the car, he was offended and started to drive away. The kids rolled down the windows of our phat SUV and said – Mom please come – I said nothing. I did not want the kids to ask me, I know they love me, I wanted HIM to ask me. He did not. My oldest son asked him to stop the car, got out and ran back to a sullen mommy on the porch begging for attention.
This broke my heart. I was now creating my kids to have to choose between good mommy and bad daddy. My ten year old asked me – mommy why won’t you come. I said because Daddy is not speaking to me and he does not want me to come. When the ten year old boy told me I was being stupid, I explained that he was seeing his mirror. “When your friends are outside playing and they do not ring the bell to invite you, you refuse to join their games – you want them to ask you – you want to feel welcome – is that right or wrong?”. He saw my point and we both agreed to lose the fear of rejection and just ask for what we want and stand up to our fears…
Cool.
But here is where it all broke down. I was starving and so was the boy, so I tried to order food. No one was open. In desperation I called hubby to ask if he would come back and get the boy so that he could eat. I had an evil snarl in my voice. Hubby said NO. He would be back in a few hours and he was turning off his phone. Inappropriate. I think if I would have become vulnerable and asked him to please come back and that I was sorry for being unreceptive that he would have come on back! Right? But NOOOOOOOO. Too weak looking. I had to hold my ground and make him chase me. Old habit.
So I began sending him a series of texts. I wanted to really hurt him bad – so I told him that I was going to end my life. I told him that if this girl was more important than me and since he could not come home and really treat me good, that I was just going to end it. I texted about taking fictitious pills – 22 of them!
Do you know this fool got the texts and called 911?
So now here I was facing the police (three cop cars, a fire engine and two EMS) at my front door asking me if I was suicidal? Hell no – I was just begging for attention and acting in a desperate manner – ANYTHING TO AVOID BEING VULNERABLE!
Damn.
The police were like so you mean to tell me you were just joking? No one jokes about killing their self. You have to come with us for counseling? WHAT? I am a life coach – I do not need counsel from the state! You have to come with us or go with the EMS – one or the other. SHIT! By this time my husband and kids had pulled up and my ten year old got off the video games long enough to see them taking me in the EMS. I chose EMS because all my suburban neighbors were watching this idiotic scene. They must have been thinking – OK Mrs. Change Your Man! OMG!
Hospitals are like jails which is why I have not been to the doctor since 1999. These people are nuts! They were taking my blood, poking me in the arm and hand and wrist – ouch! I tried to tell them that I did not want any blood drawn but what does a suicidal maniac know about anything? They did it anyway! The doctor came in and ‘evaluated’ me asking me questions about had this happened before. Yes, it had when I was 16 years old – that’s almost 20 years ago! I had taken 20 Tylenol to get my parents attention.
Oh oh – here is the pattern. When I need attention I get desperate – no skills on how to get what I need using verbal language or any other format. OK. But did I have to endure this crazy medical system to ‘get it’?. YES said the Universe – YES said the Goddesses and all the Gods… NOOOOOOOO!
They did more stupid stuff to me. Poked and prodded and so forth. Had I known I was being evaluated I would have just lied. But I was being honest. My story sounded like that of a suicidal maniac! In the end the doctor had signed some document that I could not leave without being transferred to the state for psychological evaluation! I could not even go outside and have a clove without security on my ass. At that the nurses came and took my MAC and my BLACKBERRY! WTF? Dangerous articles that I might hurt myself with. OK? Do they know I run three companies? I cannot be without my tech!
Unplugged I sat in that room contemplating my life. I could easily blame my husband – that MF had gone out on Valentine’s Day – A holiday that for years I told him I did not even believe in – had no interest in – and I had gone off about it. But why would he do something so stupid? This WAS all his fault. Just because I did not hug him when he came home, he shut down and stopped talking to me – then HE turned off his phone which FORCED me to send alarming messages to get him upset. RIGHT? I am right – it is all his fault. NOT.
So let’s apply the above principles…
- Blame vs Responsibility – I have to take 100% for my actions – I could have told him how I was feeling before he left on Valentine’s Day, but I chose not to…trying to be STRONG. He would have listened and made other plans. I know him. But I did not apply good communication skills.
- Shame vs Tolerance – I wanted to shame him into thinking that he was just dead wrong and had misjudged the situation making a bad choice to leave me alone on V-Day. Instead I need to have tolerance for him, give him the benefit of the doubt and accept what he said – that he did not know it was a big deal for me as it hadn’t been all these years.
- Envy vs Acceptance – I was envious of his friendship with this girl. [Monogomaous? OK - what are you envious about? His relationship with his mom. friends, siblings?] What did she do to deserve my man for 22 hours? I am the one at home cooking, cleaning (well, we have maids paid for by you him, but anyway) Why did she deserve that? I need to accept the fact that human beings make mistakes, maybe this was a bad call but not intentionally done. Again, if he had known my feelings, he would have simply stayed home…
- Jealousy vs Compersion – I was jealous of her and him. I could not believe that I was ‘getting the short end of the stick’ Compersion is going to take a while longer as I come out of my comfort zone and grow into Goddesshood.
- Grudges vs Empathy – I was and maybe still am holding a grudge against him for a situation we both agreed on – an open relationship [for you it may be something else, a monogamous situation where you agreed to maybe go back to work for the sake of the family and now resent it although it was YOU who made the ultimate choice - he did not force you!]. I needed to have a bit more empathy for him, all he was doing is going with what I had said was OK. How could I hold a grudge?
- Anger vs Joy - Oh this one is obvious – I was angry as hell. I refused to have joy that he actually apologized to me, was desirous of a family day, came in to find me and hug me, was my devoted husband, pays all the bills, has never deserted me, and told me he was going to do much better with creating quality time to share…so forth. I had no joy at all about the positive things that came from the evening and late afternoon. Forget all that – I focused on the anger and the negative and could not shake it.
So that, my friends, is the evolved way of relationships. Sure, most people in my situation would get a divorce. My sister and brother called me and reamed me out in the hospital for taking this crap from this man. LOL! They have no idea what is looks like to live a conscious life. Well, maybe they do – but not when I am hurt. I mean, what do you think? They are my blood. They are concerned about me, the children and so forth. My Mom called me and I did not answer the phone – I know what she will say…
Don’t get me wrong. I am concerned about the children too. But I am wise enough to know that these children – all children, choose their parents and know the challenges they will face in any household. They have come to Earth to grow and develop just like the rest of us. So I have no worries that these experiences are making them stronger, or at least bringing up stuff in their spirit that they came to Earth to work out…(we have all been here since the beginning of time – OK? My belief – so we are travelling and creating learning experiences as we go.)
But that is a story for another time, the stuff about kids choosing their parents. Will someday write about why I choose a parent who had porn in the house that I got hold of. I have come here from a past life of abusing women. So I had to see the porn, (abuse of women) in order to complete my mission and unravel that stuff from me. Too deep? OK – we shall proceed then.
So as I sat in that stupid hospital for two days then the state psych ward for five hours, I got it! The psych counselor told me I was perfectly fine and asked me why I was even here. He told me that I was, of course, of sound mind and to go home. But the moral was clear. The above list says it all. And this is the work of relationships. We are on Earth to grow beyond ourselves, beyond our astrological sign, beyond our old habits and fears and conditioning to become the Avatars who save the world!
Just imagine if we all thought this way, what a wonderful world this would be.
My husband has since broken up with his friend – again – as the situation is just too tedious. But that is HIM taking responsibility for his 100%. Me taking responsibility for my 100% has nothing to do with him and his choices. It’s all about me… I failed to shift my vibration upward this weekend, but, If at first you don’t succeed you try try again.
I will try again over and over until I get it!
Pains a small thang for a GIANT! Still I stand and here I am! Dis is my theme song…LOL! Love You TI! LOVE!
I eat fear for breakfast!
[Youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDDuk7N4SkY]
Cioa and thanks for stopping in!
[Update: My husband just built me a beautiful shrine in the basement away from the kids - he created a bed, lit candles, warmed massage oil, and is giving me a lovely three hour massage. Massive growth - never happened before in 14 years! I guess I deserve this after this weekend...]
Feel free to comment.
Kenya K
Popularity: 17% [?]
February 18th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
OK, I admit it. The open relationship part isn’t part of my understanding. . . but the paradigm piece — spot-on! Taking 100% responsibility is a HUGE block for many people. We all want to shift the responsibility (aka “blame”) so that we let ourselves off the hook. But we are 100% responsible for our reality (our interpretation of reality). Want to know what you believe? Look around. That will tell you. We get what we believe, even if it is just by interpretation of events.
Thanks for your offering of vulnerability.
Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
author of Save The Marriage
February 18th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
Kenya–
OK, I see all the growth…I love it, it’s great! But, where’s the enjoyment in your relationship? I think we need…or, sorry can’t speak for everyone…I need some happy inspiring stories. Cause, I’m just not getting this new way of thinking.
I know what you always tell me, relationships aren’t the fairytales we see on tv. But, they don’t have to be the soap operas we see either. I’m sure there are happier times and I’m sure there are success stories. (Right after I typed that I realized that perhaps this can be seen as a success story, but…)
As much as I wanted to relate to you in this article. I cringed and don’t want to (yes, I know you’re gonna suggest that I need to investigate this). Admittedly its hard to do so. It’s easier to point the finger.
Perhaps I don’t want to see the ugly side to relationships. Perhaps I’m still stuck on the fairytales and need to “wake up”. Although I see what you’re saying in this article, and a small part of me understands…a huge part of me feels like your brother and sister when they cussed you out in the hospital.
I just don’t get it. I feel like you don’t like this type of relationship. I feel like, every cell in your body doesn’t want it. I feel like you’re trying to make yourself like it. Why go along with something that you honestly don’t like???
I’m not pointing fingers or anything. This is honest communication that hopefully will spark honest dialog cause perhaps there are still some things that I need to learn and get. Cause right now, I don’t get it.
February 18th, 2009 at 9:50 pm
Tiko – I LOVE your comment. Happy times? What makes you think I did not have a happy time this weekend? When my husband picked me up from the half way house we laughed all the way home! Of course and like I said he made me a shrine in the basement to work Tantra on me and to heal me after the bout…we have been having fun for 14 years! Lets see – in Turks, in St. Martin, St. Thomas, St. Croix, London (OMG), St. Lucia, Jamaica, DC, Detroit, Okacroke Islands, LA, Atlanta, you name it… And I have had a ball never having to work not one job in my entire life. Being able to stay home and raise my kids and afford home births for all three. Why don’t women count these things? They are fun as hell! LOL! I have had fun being a wife to him, preparing the meals, supporting him and he is the ONLY reason I do what I do today – he encouraged me and believes in me.
I was initiated with my husband. It was fun going through that process together. Our wedding when we could not eat the cake because we were both vegans. Our house burned down, we had fun staying in the hotel for weeks and then great apartments with 600,000 in insurance money lasted a few years! I can go on and on…but why?
I think what you are confusing is the work. You are placing the work in a painful category rather than a blissful one like me. It’s almost as if you ask two people – do you like your job – one NO and one YES> The person who said yes may not have an easy job – but he LOVES it. It is fulfilling… I know that the purpose of my life is growth and development and ultimately both mean JOY JOY JOY – I have reestablished the work to feel like pleasure – to me. Unraveling this weekend felt like pleasure to me. Making love to him felt like pleasure and even being in it felt like naughty good pleasure!
Oh the satisfaction in knowing that I still have things to learn – the beauty of knowing that my husband is the perfect person to bring out the itchy stuff for me to scratch. Ohhh the allure of having him with me under one roof all these years with the kids and our Quantum Entanglement of lessons, pleasure and bliss! I LOVE it!
Everyone who knows us or who sees us together can feel it. We are made stronger by our beliefs and by our vision and mission together. I LOVE every moment of our relationship but this only occurred once I realized the purpose of our relationship, of any relationship – to be tested to go outside of the comfort zone – what’s outside the comfort zone? Orgasmic Bliss Baby!!!!
Love you Tiko!
Kenya K
February 18th, 2009 at 10:16 pm
Y’all keep on keepin on. Dap on the strive to get there.
Malembe
February 18th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
Thank you for sharing, this weekend had to be horrendous at best, but it is a learning experience (for the both of you) as is all of life. Being conscience is a new way of thinking and some old patterns that we think are dead bear their ugly head as a reminder that it is a daily practice, but practice makes perfect:).
Only you know what is best for you in your particular sitation, what you can or cannot accept but i agree with the 100% responsibility our reactions are ours.
Lastly, you can leave a situation but you can’t leave yourself, we do know that the same thing will reappear packaged in someone else. As the song goes “you can’t hide from yourself anywhere you go there you are”
February 19th, 2009 at 12:42 am
OK, you’ve had happy times in your relationship as a whole. Yes, I see that. I’ve seen you with your husband, and yes I believe you two love each other dearly…that’s obvious. But, what about your happy times with the POLYAMOROUS relationship??? Do I believe you’re happy with this type of relationship…no. That part I don’t agree with. I feel like, you literally put yourself in the crazy house this weekend because of this…lol…am I the only one that see’s a problem here? To me, what happened this weekend isn’t funny at all. Again, I’m not trying to judge, I’m just giving my opinion and trying to understand. I may have missed a few blogs where you said otherwise, but most of the blogs that I’ve read that pertain to this subject (polyamory) have been about your struggle with it. Could it be that it’s not what you want? If so…why do you continue to go along with it for the sake of learning?
Yes, I could go back to school and major in some difficult subject that I completely hate. Yes, I could struggle through it. Yes, I could learn a whole heck of a lot. But, if I have the choice…no, I’ll choose to not learn that subject. It doesn’t resonate with me…it doesn’t make me happy. I feel it’s the same with this relationship paradigm you’ve chosen. Why are you struggling through chemistry when you really love music???
February 19th, 2009 at 3:26 am
Tiko-Good points above. Let me make a few. There are some things in life that you don’t like to do, but are compelled to because a part of you wants to experience it. The example you gave above about taking a class doesn’t really apply because it is so far outside of your current path. But what if that class was required in your curriculum in order to graduate from doctorate studies. Then its choosing the 95% over the 5%. Should I abandon my goal of a PhD in mathematics (95%) because I don’t like this statistics class (5%)? The open relationship that Hakashamut and I share is more like my curriculum example and why most people have challenges in their relationships. What do you do when your mate is heading down a path or does something you don’t agree with? Well, if its major then you could leave, but the risk there is that you are giving up 95% for the 5%. And to be honest upon hind sight the 5% is really not that big a deal. I know, I know, it’s hard to say that when your in it, but really, 2 year from now, how big of a deal will the events from the Winter of 2009 be? They may be big, but I am glad I didn’t leave my family for the crazy stuff that went down in 2007 because it’s really not that big a deal. It was great learning though even though I despised it at the time. But now I’m thankful. When I look at my mom and biological father, who split due to infidelity, I know that they probably could have worked it out if they had just decided to communicate. From my perspective the divorce wasn’t worth all of the pain and suffering that followed over the next 15 or so years. Plus, she/they never resolved the conflict in their own minds and still live with the pain even today. Resolving the pain IN the relationship is the same as resolving it OUTSIDE of the relationship except you just aren’t together to do it and reap the benefits of the growth. And trust me you have to resolve it one way or the other. It will be resolved our you can just keep repeating the same lesson over and over and over again. I mean imagine that, you get a divorce, but never get past the pain; I mean truly get past the pain. And in terms of my mom, I know she never got past it because when she sees similar situations it causes a real problem. Why spend the rest of your life talking at the TV because that movie or show reminds that you haven’t resolved your past. That’s not the way to go if you can avoid it.
But to bring it back to our real world example with our (Kenya and I) open relationship, you have to understand that even when I first presented this concept to Kenya, she had already agreed with it – intellectually anyway. We were both a part of a spiritual society for 10 years where polygamy was the standard practice and many of our friends and counselors were in polygamous relationships. Also, before Kenya and I got married, we both agreed to do polygamy in our marriage. Now she may not have been down with that (or ready for it) in reality in her relationship, but she certainly supported the concept. The only point I am making here is that there is a part of Kenya that is very open to polyamory (her intellectual consciousness) and has always defended and supported polygamy and polyamory at the least. So it’s really not that far outside of her consciousness comfort zone.
On my side, even though I introduced the concept into our family I can’t really say I just selected it out of the blue. Through some growth experiences it became a part of me and something that I NEEDED to explore. For me it involved my beliefs and consciousness around LOVE. This was a painful process for me at the time (2007 or so) because I was one of those guys who could boast a record of NEVER cheating on any girlfriend I ever had from high school forward through to my marriage. I was the guy that other guys didn’t want around when the relationship discussion came up because I would hammer the other men on staying faithful, etc. They couldn’t stand it, but I loved it. Plus, the women loved it too. They were like “Rakhem is the MF man!” They would use me as a model for their husbands to follow. Interesting how things change. Now these same women are like “Don’t even think about doing what Rakhem is doing or else!” It’s pretty funny because the guys say well 5 years ago you were like be like Rakhem and now I’m ready to be just like him. LOL. Ease up fellas, don’t abuse your power when you have the upper hand because the pendulum always swings back the other way-but, that said, I understand.
In terms of the happy times, well, I guess that is an American cultural problem. We all have grown accustomed to sharing the drama as opposed to the ‘happy’ times. We see this in the news, TV, and the movies the most. So I guess Kenya could write about how the kids played in the sandbox on Sunday and had a blast OR about how her and my son traded your momma jokes in the car on the way to Sweet Tomatoes last night OR about how Rocco (our ALPHA male dog) jumps on Kenya’s bed and puts his alpha maleness in Kenya’s face while she is still lying down, but I’m not sure if she would build a following telling those stories. That was actually pretty funny, to hear Kenya tell my oldest son, “Your momma is so skinny she hid behind a tree.” and then crack up laughing. OOOOOKKKKKK. Whatever turns them on I guess. Plus, the stuff that is happening now is teh good stuff. I mean living in the now is the latest trend to be re-released to the public and what’s happening now is the psych ward. If she would have wrote about Sweet Tomatoes and how my daughter couldn’t sit still after her ice cream binge, but left out the EMS unit pulling up to the house you may have cursed her out. Girl you were in the psych ward, but blogged about tell momma jokes in the car with your son? Thanks, but no thanks.
Anyway, I just wanted to share some energy and I appreciate everyone’s input. I also appreciate my lovely wife for being true to herself. When she told me she wasn’t going to share this story, I was like, what’s the difference between this and all the other embarrassing stuff you write about us? So I am glad she wrote.
Also, my girlfriend and I did break up officially tonight. A part of me is really sad about it because she was such a good person. I told her the story about what had happened over the weekend and she didn’t want that over her head. In her opinion Kenya and I just weren’t ready for the open thing yet. So yes Tiko, others see a problem their too.
Peace and Love,
Rakhem Seku
February 19th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
Thanks, both to you, Kenya, and to Rakem Seku for responding and being so honest and vulnerable. I respect your decisions and I admire your bravery in not only working toward goals that aren’t mainstream, but doing it publicly as well. Although I don’t agree with everything, I have gained a lot of understanding and insight. I truly wish you all the best in achieving your desires…:)
February 22nd, 2009 at 5:11 am
Happy Blissful and Honest As Heaven!
Kenya, I think that your relationship is one of the few sincerely honest relationships that I have ever heard of–it is an example of what can happen when we are willing to release fear and become vulnerable.
What I have learned from this story is that we can only be free to receive true love when we are willing to become vulnerable and honest.
Love is right around the corner for me…thanks for doing some trial runs and delivering your Proactive Wisdom.
You are so Awesome….
Love ya,
Lady Diana
February 25th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
I love you guys! The choice to live an authentic life is an amazing one. So many adventures come as a result of choosing to live this way. I honor your work. I respect your choice. There is so much gain in risking. In fact you inspire me to risk more and to be more honest about what I want. After all, if there are going to be challenges, why not have them as I create what I want. I recognize the need to be honest and to be vaunerable and trusting and all the variety of forms that energy takes. Even angry and vengeful serve to bring us to our especially gratifying crossroads. (I say it is the same sensation as courage, just by a different name.
Anyway, one day I’m gonna get down there for some healing work with you folks. Talk to you soon, I love you. Surama
February 25th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
I love you guys too…and that’s what makes all of this so disturbing. It’s not that you are having challenges- being married for 13 years I’ve had my share. It’s not even the ‘open relationship’ piece as my wife and I have explored this same concept and belonged to the same society for the same amount of time and were a part of the priesthood. What’s the most disturbing is that you have all the right quotes, sayings, concepts and so forth- so the logic is in overdrive in one direction and the reality of the health of the relationship and the wild intractable behavior (to quote the I Ching) is going the opposite way.
As a man, and a husband i can honestly identify with brotha Rakem and his “need” to explore other women (for what reason i’m not quite sure if it has been articulated). It seems that he has a mate that is willing to engage in intimacy whenever he wants or would need….which is generally the reason why men step out….lack of intimacy or sex or a combination of the two. However, the “need” to engage in this activity must be overridden by the parental and husband responsibilities that has as its basis the ‘care of the whole’.
I offer a 3rd view. Perhaps its not that Kenya needs to grow to be comfortable with this set up- it seems that instinctively she knows the relationship is not prepared for this type of setup. In which case all parties must put their personal “needs” (if they are indeed needs and not just exaggerated “wants” ) aside for the good of the greater whole which is the family.
In the same vein I think there is a serious disservice being done when you attribute the behavior that is being broadcast to the world as what you were taught or what was originally agreed to by Kenya and yourself when she said she was open to it 14 years ago. I believe the relationship that you were speaking about 14 years ago and the one that was agreed to then was one where Kenya would play a central role in bringing another lover/wife into the fold, one where she would interview, examine and explore the belief system, moral behavior and overall character of someone she is entrusting with her 14 year investment of her family. At this point the major tragedy is that Kenya too is “enrolled” and is far from a victim- but for some reason that only she can know- feels like this is what she deserves, what she agreed too, where her destiny lies (perhaps its the phat car, spa days, dope house, vacations and 14 years of staying at home that holds some strong sway….ya think?) but as she rightly says…..she chose this too….her 100%.
What i see in this is a woman who is desperately trying to hold on to a man who at this point in his life is wanting to explore AT ALL COST (even if it must be suspended until the fires have been brought under control. I’ve been there…i’m not preaching from no mountaintop…but if we are honest enough to publish are drama for the world to see…we must be honest enough to call what this setup arrangement seems to be….SELFISH. We must not confuse the courage to publish your drama for the world to see (i actually think it comes quite easy and isn’t as “difficult” for this particular person as it is for most) with being enlightened or on an enlightened path. While i applaud the forthrightness and topical commitment to the principles espoused- i too cringe at what the babies are being inflicted with (of course they attracted this to themselves right? so why stop?…perhaps they came to see mommy pop pills as the ambulance screeches up the driveway….right?).
I pray for this couple….not just because Kenya has been a very influential part of my wife’s experiences…nor because the children are now participants of a public drama, nor because this has created shame for the family (which is a serious no-no in traditional African culture) but because I too would love to see a happy, loving, balanced ending to what so far has seemed like an afrocentric version of Desperate Houswives.
Peace
February 26th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Well, I wanted to chime in on this situation. First of all, reading it after the fact, knowing everything was over and you had dealt with it. I found it Hilarious what happened. I literally “Laughed Out Loud”.
Now, I think the point that Kenya was trying to make in even posting this and exposing her dirt was that we ALL make bad decisions, and we are responsible for our decisions and the consequences that comes from our decisions. Everybody is trying to be a psychologist and suggest that she is not happy with her relationship. Well honestly that is neither here nor there, that is their decision to have that type of relationship. Once again, if there is fallout it was THEIR decision.
I admire and respect the fact that Kenya opened up about her weaknesses and dealing with issues in her life and how she responds to different situations. Issues I’m sure she thought she had under control. It is so easy for us to point the finger and point out the “error of her ways”, I have not met ONE perfect person walking the earth. We all have weakness that we are trying to get under control.
One point I did want to make tho, I believe your husband knew how you felt before he left for his “date”. Being connected, as I know you are, we feel these things. I know because I do with my wife. This does not negate the fact that you should have verbalized how you felt. Honestly, I think that’s a battle couples will face till the end of time! “You know how I felt, why should I have to tell you”, lol.
Also, if I WERE in a poly amorous relationship, I would NEVER let my wife feel like she is second to no one. Ever, I think you were right in how you felt, you are number one and should be made to feel like that, at all times! (kudos to hubby for ending this threat to his marriage)
How Ironic Kenya, after you all teach a phenomenal class on that Friday (which was the first time meeting you guys), you are tested the very next day. As my Pastor says, “We are tested in what we teach, but we also teach what we are tested in” I thank you for not being a fake, like you have it “all” together, and exposing your weakness in that area so that others can learn and not make the same mistakes. I applaud you for that.
The point I got from this post is, and as you kept reiterating, look past the type of relationship being the cause of the problems. Couples go through and argue about hundreds of other things. However, it is the decisions that we make in the heat of the battle that matters.
And why do we always reject negative happening as “The End” Instead of the beginning?
It’s not until a piece of sand gets into the oysters mouth that cause an irritant to the oyster, that in turn releases hormones to that area. That then grows to a beautiful pearl that we wear as jewelery.
It is not until coal is put under pressure that we get diamonds.
It is not until heat is put to Gold that all the impurities are burned out and leaves something beautiful.
Get my point?
Once again, thanks for sharing, I know you and hubby has grown and adjusted.
Until Next Time,
Mission Minded
February 27th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Harmony, Balancement, Peace, Joy, Strength…..Ascension to U!
Ur Reflection has given me a TRU innerstandin of Self and persona….. eye feel ya on the refusal to raise the vibe and the ripple effect- especially bein that u show up wit soooo much powerfull innergy, as eye.
much, much gratitude for the re-mind-er.) c ya on the road to Goddesshood!
Be neither Happy nor Sad
Be Peace
Sun
October 3rd, 2009 at 7:45 pm
So what do you guys think a half a year later? giggle… It's Kenya K – bliss to you! xoxo – Challenges are a part of life, but when we grow and glow from them, and allow them to work on us for a bit without running to hide and be "comfortable" things can go well in the end. I feel like an entirely new person – Its only nine months later.. ohhhh – blissed and highly flavored. Love it!
February 16th, 2010 at 4:50 pm
Oh – and how about bow – a year later? giggle…