Well, there is a beginning and an end to all things, right?  And truly, if we think of life as a spiraling… and a movement upwards in a continuum of growth at all times, then there is no such thing as beginning and end, or past, present, and future.  I speak to you with words of love.  I speak to you with a voice from highest light.  I want to thank you for reading my journey of a thousand miles…Thank you for taking this journey with me.

Writing my life here, and creating this space has been a riveting experience.  I feel an overwhelming sense of support and love from all of you.  I am up to 40,000 visitors per month from all around the world and it has been with great enthusiasm that I prepared 150 sacred posts for you.  When I post, I think of all of you.  I think about the grace of love, and wonder of life, and the sheer enjoyment of evolution!  This feeling is what has kept me moving forward, as well as the bliss of your sharing.  I sit and wait for your comments like a child on Christmas day… I love knowing that someone is out there, witnessing my life.

I appreciate you.

This is my final post to the JujuMama Blog | Manifest Sexy.

I complete this cycle of my life and ready myself for the new year.  I have done what I needed to do here.  The love revolution has been televised.  I am, now, moving on.  Of course, the blog will remain awake and alive.  There are 150 posts here – that is three full length books for your reading enjoyment ~ all written free of charge, with absolute love and profound endearment.  But with this post, I end the saga – I leave a full year of my life written for all to see.  Nothing sensational about it – this has been, simply, a journey in trust and faith and love that I have allowed to come through me… to you.

Today I found a post on another blog.  I don’t read a lot.  Most of the theories on this blog are intuited…  I like to meditate and see and live a theory in order to know it.  Reading is so intellectual.  My ancestors or angels, or expansions of my imagination have informed my theories… But today I found this.  THIS is the quintessence of what I have meant to say all this time. I do hope you enjoy it as much as I did.  I offer it as a final post here on Jujumama | Manifest Sexy.

Thank you again.  You can always contact me by coming here and clicking “Make An Appointment”.  I am always with you on facebook and twitter and linked in and email – mail@jujumama.com.  I am always your Manifestation and Sexy Love Coach… but this journey, this blog journal, this amazing ride is done.  Enjoy this final post!

I’m Sorry I Love You: Simple Steps to Healing
by Dr. Joe Vitale

Two years ago, I heard about a therapist in Hawaii who cured a complete ward of criminally insane patients – without ever seeing any of them. The psychologist would study an inmate’s chart and then look within himself to see how he created that person’s illness. As he improved himself, the patient improved.

When I first heard this story, I thought it was an urban legend. How could anyone heal anyone else by healing himself? How could even the best self-improvement master cure the criminally insane?

It didn’t make any sense. It wasn’t logical, so I dismissed the story…

However, I heard it again a year later. I heard that the therapist had used a Hawaiian healing process called ho’oponopono. I had never heard of it, yet I couldn’t let it leave my mind. If the story was at all true, I had to know more.

I had always understood “total responsibility” to mean that I am responsible for what I think and do. Beyond that, it’s out of my hands. I think that most people think of total responsibility that way. We’re responsible for what we do, not what anyone else does. The Hawaiian therapist who healed those mentally ill people would teach me an advanced new perspective about total responsibility.  [Well, I don't know about new and advanced... The ancients have been practicing this in the jungles of time for a millennium].

His name is Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len. We probably spent an hour talking on our first phone call. I asked him to tell me the complete story of his work as a therapist. He explained that he worked at Hawaii State Hospital for four years. That ward where they kept the criminally insane was dangerous. Psychologists quit on a monthly basis. The staff called in sick a lot or simply quit. People would walk through that ward with their backs against the wall, afraid of being attacked by patients. It was not a pleasant place to live, work, or visit.

Dr. Len told me that he never saw patients. He agreed to have an office and to review their files. While he looked at those files, he would work on himself. As he worked on himself, patients began to heal.

“After a few months, patients that had to be shackled were being allowed to walk freely,” he told me. “Others who had to be heavily medicated were getting off their medications. And those who had no chance of ever being released were being freed.”

I was in awe.

“Not only that,” he went on, “but the staff began to enjoy coming to work. Absenteeism and turnover disappeared. We ended up with more staff than we needed because patients were being released, and all the staff was showing up to work.”

This is where I had to ask the million dollar question: “What were you doing within yourself that caused those people to change?”

“I was simply healing the part of me that created them,” he said.

I didn’t understand.

Dr. Len explained that total responsibility for your life means that everything in your life – simply because it is in your life – is your responsibility. In a literal sense the entire world is your creation.

Whew. This is tough to swallow. Being responsible for what I say or do is one thing. Being responsible for what everyone in my life says or does is quite another. Yet, the truth is this: if you take complete responsibility for your life, then everything you see, hear, taste, touch, or in any way experience is your responsibility because it is in your life.

This means that terrorist activity, the president, the economy – anything you experience and don’t like – is up for you to heal. They don’t exist, in a manner of speaking, except as projections from inside you. The problem isn’t with them, it’s with you, and to change them, you have to change you.

I know this is tough to grasp, let alone accept or actually live. Blame is far easier than total responsibility, but as I spoke with Dr. Len, I began to realize that healing for him and in ho’oponopono means loving yourself. If you want to improve your life, you have to heal your life. If you want to cure anyone – even a mentally ill criminal – you do it by healing you.

I asked Dr. Len how he went about healing himself. What was he doing, exactly, when he looked at those patients’ files?

“I just kept saying, ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I love you’ over and over again,” he explained.

That’s it?

That’s it.

Turns out that loving yourself is the greatest way to improve yourself, and as you improve yourself, you improve your world.

In short, [Dr. Len says] there is no “out there” out there. It would take a whole book to explain this advanced technique with the depth it deserves. Suffice it to say that whenever you want to improve anything in your life, there’s only one place to look: inside you.

And when you look, do it with love…

I offer Tears of Joy, lovelies!  Wasn’t that beautiful?

Full Circle.

Best and Bliss

Love Always

JujuMama xoxo

Kenya K Stevens

Signing off.

WOW!  I am so excited to share this little note that came into my inbox after the call last night.  A wonderful soul, and good friend of mine wrote me a letter that I now call – the note from my own hell. Let’s talk about heaven and hell for a moment since it is, oddly enough and still, such a large paradox of modern culture…

Heaven is supposed to be a place we go when we die, if we are pure at heart – sinners, Fat Change!  Heaven is supposed to have pearly gates and cool, flowing, river of joy to bath in and stuff.  Good people go here to meet their maker.  Sound fun!  Hell, on the other hand, is the only other option. (should there not be a middle place for those who did some good and some bad…?  And BTW who defines good and bad for us? LOL!)  If you were “bad” this lifetime, you will go to hell when you die… OK?  And rumor has it that you will burn eternally.

So, of course, I have another spin on these mythological places called heaven and hell.  I don’t want to offend anyone, but certain non-Cristian, non-Islamic, non-Judaism based traditions have certain beliefs and sociologist in the West deem these beliefs “mythology”.  Other traditions have other beliefs and sociologists deem these beliefs “fact”.  I am a bit confused as to which as which, thus, I deem all traditional stories, religious beliefs and so forth, mythology.  I simply even the playing field, right?  If one culture is said to have a religion based on “mythology” and another’s are “fact”, and there are literally millions of different cultural/religious beliefs in the world, then who decides which is mythology and which is fact?  So I’ll be fair -then – and say that it is all mythology.  Don’t be offended, mythology is not a demeaning, condescending, dirty, word.  Right?  If it IS a dirty word then why are we using it to describe a cultural or religious belief anywhere in the world?  You feel me?  LOL!

Come on ya’ll.  I don’t play…  So lets move on to the note that I received from my hellish self!!!

My personal “mythology” (tee hee hee) is that heaven and hell are states of mind and states of matter.  When I think of hell – I think of the places I go to when I am angry, irritated, frustrated, incensed and otherwise taken in deep with negative emotion.  Now I do not believe that negative emotion is hell – I believe that my response to and use of these emotions can cause me to land in a living hell.  If I were to process these emotions and channel them wisely, then I could end up in heaven.  But if I attache to these emotions and think that i must carry them with me allowing them to stress me out, hold me back or otherwise destroy my life, then I am in hell.

On the other hand, I believe that I can have living heaven as well.  Positive emotion like Joy, Love, Bliss, Pleasure, Peace and Enlightenment can take me directly to a living heaven.  But again, it is all based on how I process these emotions.  If I feel the pleasure but then have guilt about it – hell again.  If I feel the joy but worry that the joy might some day be taken from me – living hell.  But when I embrace the joy, and bring more of it from the inside of me sharing it out – HEAVEN!  When I embrace the peace and the pleasure and enjoy it – and allow it to become a living part of me – Heaven again!  Yes, right here on planet Earth.

SO I say that I received this note from hell because it came from the parts of me that when processed improperly are my living hell.  The note is something I created from fear and lack and a disbelief in the Godliness of who I am.  (How dare I say God after calling heaven and hell mythological places, right?  LOL!)  This facebook note that I received came to me by way of the hellish thoughts that I have attached to over time and space.  BUT, I process the emotions properly and you can do this too!  Even with facebook comments that you do not “like”.  I allow the note from hell to take me directly to heaven!

So here is the note…

NOT EVERY PROBLEM IS CAUSED BY ONE’S RELATIONSHIP WITH HER FATHER!!!! Just stop proclaiming that Kenya–your one size fits all diagnosis is completely flawed. And, if one has deep psychological scares caused by her Father, that person needs the assistance of a Licensed, Trained, Caring, Professional Psychologist or Psychiatrist. There are plenty of Doctors of Psychology who are licensed, who practice spritual concepts in their treatment and who believe in the Law of Attraction. As a bonus, many people have insurance to cover the theraphy for next to nothing with a little co-pay. Lacing my ass—if anyone has real psychological issues, then they should seek assistance from a licensed professional with years of training–there are hundreds of professonals in the country who believe in spritual concepts and the impact of past lives. My heart goes out to anyone who has not had a kind and loving Father as I did. Please work with a professional to gain true inner healing.

~Your Hell (who refuses spell check)

What do you think guys?  This is a really deep note, right?

Wow!  So first question to always ask when we get this form of communication is – how did I create that???  Next question:  how is it my ticket to heaven if processed properly?  Well, let me count the ways.  First, I am overjoyed to see this part of me appear in my face this way.  Oh yes, what this note proclaims is a part of me that I thought I had dealt with but now I know I have not.

It is the self-doubt that I have always languaged on the inside.  I used to say it out loud, but now it is internal chatter – “who do you think you are, you do not have a degree in psychiatry – you have a degree in early childhood development, child psych and education – how are you going to administer life coaching… and what are all these modalities you are coming up with?  Lacing?  How did you create that and who are you going to sell that to?  Are you kidding me kenya k?”

WOW – Wow – wow!  So the note from hell, the hell within myself, is talking real talk. It is an exact and perfect mirror of my own thoughts.  So how is this a blessing and how do each of us, when we receive this type of input, stay clear on the purpose of it and use it to our advantage.  Here is how I do it…

1. Never take things like this personally.  Do not look at who said it and place blame.
2. Analyze the comment and be sure to thank the person who brought the message.
3. In your quiet time, think of the comment, feel the rage it made in you,  VERY IMPORTANT to feel the feelings.
4. Think about WHY this has come to you at this time, what is the lesson, and think in terms of how you created it!
5. You create all experiences to help you grow beyond who you were!  Know that as you analyze…
   
6. Find the meaning… find the mirror, find the purpose, and allow that meaning to put you to work on yourself!

OK, so I did this analysis last night when I realized… wait… I think these same thoughts that she shared!!!  This is a HUGE wake up call from my spirit telling me – HAY – KENYA – you still have to erase this thinking from your hard drive if you want to go further in your career.  We are screaming it at you KENYA – we are showing, with this note, that you still feel this way and have not dealt with it!  We are trying to help you KENYA!  LISTEN please… and learn!

Me:  OK, I see.  I still feel this way, my glorious friend is a vehicle for SPIRIT!  Thank you glorious friend.  I see that I have not cleared these negative beliefs!  Now I can get to work…

Me:  I get to work.  I sit down and meditate.  First I go back to the time when I said these very same things to myself… doesn’t feel good, I was young and afraid… then I go back further… oh yes, I feel this way because someone told me that I could not accomplish what I wanted until I had certain degrees and accolades…  I was nine then.  Is it true Kenya?  Is it true Kenya?  IS IT TRUE? YYYYEESSS!  I still believe that it is true!  No matter how much talent I have – I need something more to prove it!

Me:  I begin to cry during the meditation… I feel it is true.  I have to be Tony Robbins, I have to be a white woman named Dr. Ruth… I have to be older… I have to be smarter… I have to be rich… It takes money to make money… It is hard to make it… I have to have straight hair… no kinky hair… no short hair… no long!   (OMG is that why I spent 400 dollars on my fly new do?) [New realization: My new look is a part of my path... I can accept it and love it just as I loved natural kinky hair for the past 20 years! - All is ONE]

Me:  Crying more and meditating deep… doing some EFT to to tap into my cellular memory… It is not true. Tapping…  Even though I feel that I have to be more in order to share the gifts that God (I said God again… LOL.  Am I still allowed?) has given me, I still love myself and I still intend to move forward with my objectives… Tapping… Even thought I feel that I am not smart enough, rich enough, or white enough to make this happen, I still love myself and I am still willing to move successfully toward my objectives. My body shivers as it releases those cellular memories…

Me:  The tears flow out and I am now visualizing the people I have already laced, the people who say things like “Kenya, you have changed my life” I am now even seeing the work I did for ten years with others before charging a single dime… but now at 35 ~ this as a career… so I charge… That brings guilt… why?  So I go back further… Tapping…Why is there guilt in charging for my talent?  Mother, father, they had businesses and worked hard and felt guilt in charging and still do 30 years later!  So I clear that- I clear even for them… them… them…  I visualize them charging and loving it because people are loving and finding value in them, and I see them with retirement cash because they charged properly for the past 30 years instead of sacrificing themselves…  Ah that feels better.

Me:  Them lovely…   I see lawyers, doctors, Psychiatrists charging $500 an hour and then I see me – I went to school for just as long as they did – four years at Howard, ten years at Ausar Auset school for Meta-physicians… I paid the price, I charge… And with 78% of women still non-orgasmic and 66% of marriages still adulterous… and with 55% of marriages still breaking up and … I charge…I share… tapping.  Even the millions of psychiatrists have not yet solved it… There is room for all.

Me:  And I see myself create my own certification program.  Degrees?  I will give them.  My methodologies, priceless.  Abundant people from everywhere wanting to discover the modalities, like Lacing, Tantric Lacing, The Three Way Mirror, The Progressive Relationships, The open Relationship, Yin and Yang rebalancing… they want it.  NO matter their age, skin color, no matter my age, skin color, we see pure light in one another and we grasp hold.  My methods were channeled to me and this is higher than a college degree, not that I do not already have one.  But will be even more than that… more than a peice of paper that my parents paid 100,000 dollars for.  Dollars that they sacrificed themselves for…  My methods Will heal… Do heal… Will heal… Do indeed heal – And I have the testimony to prove it, but I do not need testimony prove it.  Kenya does heal… we all heal. Kenya is enough.  We all are enough.

And all the while – it is not me – it is through me that this healing happens.  It is through me that the Universe speaks and writes.  And I accept that.  I accept me.  I honor me.  I don’t need your degree for that.  You need mine.

And after the tears stop.  I am in heaven.

And after the salt water carries away the mythology of a dying mental paradigm (my own hell), heaven awaits.

And after I look back at this message on Facebook that she sent to me, to me!  A gift to me, to me!

I see that she is my heaven on Earth.  She is my Lord and Savior, yes the letter writer herself, my savior.  We are always that for one another… no matter what the words, no matter what the energy of the words, no matter what.

No Matter What
(I love that song by TI)
Now this type of processing will create Whirled Peas… fo sho!
Bliss to you!
Juju xoxox

Wow!I have had a busy two weeks. Do you like this sample of our latest photos? We’re moving to NYC! So we’ve been in ATL for two weeks to close out our living there and get packed for the Big Apple.While there, I had a few awesome experiences. I thought they were valuable and you may enjoy peeping in… giggle.

My fun began the second day that I was back to Atlanta.We were staying at a hotel in Buckhead and there was this cool little Diner nearby.A friend on Twitter told me that my Tweets were featured in RedBook Magazine!So I rushed on over the CVS to pick it up!With book in hand I went to the little Diner to eat and read!

When I walked in there was this amazingly beautiful man standing right there, right in the doorway. He seemed to be the host of the restaurant, but later I found that he was the owner – or at least his parents owned the place…

So he sat me with a smooth grin and proceeded send this powerful energy my way. It was like we knew one another, but not this lifetime. Nope. I had never seen this guy before in my life. But, I flirted back – happily. But was really more interested in my RedBook debut! However, everytime I tried to focus on reading, his vibration would find mine… Have you ever had the feeling that someone is staring at you? It was more powerful than usual… and his presence began to penetrate me, deep. But I kept my cool.I wondered what he was after.Of course he would have good intentions as we only attract who and what we are, and I have good intentions toward people… so I’m safe!

This king – yes, his name, I found out, means king in the Ethiopian language.He is from Ethiopia.Nice.So this king decided that he was going to be my waiter.I don’t know what he did with the lady who was supposed to wait my table, but he got rid of her, I suppose.Each time he came to the table he gave me those eyes… they were wanting eyes… eyes that told my heart to open and to allow.I followed the urge to naturally allow and relaxed in his gaze.

When I completed my meal, which he helped me to choose from the menu, I went outside to have sun on the terrace.Guess who was outside.I swear I had no idea.The King!He was out there with his friends… They were all really lovely, just like him, later I found that these were his cousins.Immediately he asked me to join them.OK. YES.

At the table these men beamed with masculinity.I was feeling a bit heavenly when they started asking me questions about myselfand because my original King had told them that I am a love coach, they wanted to know more about Tantra and Relationships Bliss. OK.So I explained some of my theories and the King went inside to get me a cup of tea.His cousins seemed impressed and we actually sat on that terrace for the next two hours talking. Opps!

Mind you, my husband is back in the hotel room probably thinking – what happened to my wife?I couldn’t take a break to call him? Man! At least now I know what he means when he says that he couldn’t get away to call me.Wow, I am learning so much about life these days.He is serious when he gives me that “old excuse?” OMG!Now I see that he can’t take a break, like I could not this day. So all past drama is forgiven.(Right ladies?)

So anyways, it was time to go.We had romanced one another with talk for so long that I could not take it anymore.I either needed to go home with my king and his beautiful cousins and make sweet, heavenly, love in the afternoon sun or return directly to my lovely hubby to explain the time lapse. There was no in between at this point.

We took a few pics together before I left (his camera).He held my waist, during the posing… Ohhhwait – I almost lost my original train of thought.Jeeezzzz… Ladies, do you know what I’m talking about? Have you ever had that right kinda waist hold that makes you want to just go ahead and moan… when done well, it makes you want to shriek out loud, where ever you are – with joy… but you don’t. I was loving those posses and the sultry afternoon sun only helped to intensify my growing HOT desire for this king. Is this natural? Or is this the feeling mother told me to shun? Oh noooo – this is natural baby.

So with an energetic tug – I pulled away from that matrix of hot desire and headed for the street.

The craziest thing happened when I got to the corner!On the street I stood across from the little diner when this black Lexus car pulled past me only to stop fast on the brakes!This man with locks screams out the window – HAY!I’m thinking – is he talking to me?HAY – come here beauty – OMG!So I go over to him (I’m on the ten day flirting challenge too – I have to submit!) and again, we only attract who and what we are… so I obliged. We are all ONE BEING…

This man is beautiful!He has amazing locks.His car is clean. He told me that he had to stop. I asked him why? He said something about my dress, my skin, the sun, I dun know… So he asks me what I was doing.I look back to see if my king is watching, you know how men are, one king might get upset if another is trying to push up. SO old paradigm, right?But he was not there and this new boy is here, and he is trying to convince me to go to Piedmont Park with him for a game of Frisbee.(frisbee?)

So you know what I did?I said YES! I popped into his car and we were off!Now wait a minute, I got into the car of a “strange guy” – YES!I don’t believe in “strange guys” if I am not a strange gal then I cannot attract a strange guy… right? It may be odd to you, but it is simple universal law to me. The Universe has my back!

SO there I was at Piedmont park after talking to this boy in the car for the ten minute ride.He is a gem!He is so fabulous and intelligent.He is a grad student in physical therapy, and guess who he is playing Frisbee with ?An entire group of like networked Atlanteans who are, literally, the cities finest.They get together and play Organized Frisbee each Thursday.Can you imagine that?

So finally I called my hubby and let him know what happened to me.I asked him to come to the park with the kids to meet my new friends.We all had an amazing evening!My lovely darling who had introduced me to organized Frisbee with Atlanta’s professional crowd asked me to please hook him up with someone I knew. Guess what he told me!???? You won’t believe it. He said that like attracts like, so I must have more friends who are similar in vibration! OMG! He knew all about that sort of thing!He wants a woman to hang with sometimes… any takers?LOL!

So a few days later I was still thinking about my East African friend when he texts me!

“Let’s get together – want to see you again”. YUM! I mean – YES!

I met my sweetie at Caribou Coffee in Buckhead.He promised me a movie and dinner, but because I had a LIVE conference call that night I was late and by the time I got to him, it was 11:00 PM.So we skipped the movie and he served me dinner at his place.We started watching a movie at his place, but I only wanted to watch the full moon at his place…

His gorgeous place was prime location for moon gazing – I asked if we could turn off the TV and gaze.YES.

So we lay on separate couches… talking and moon gazing. We had pretty deep discussion… Often on dates, men want to have a session about life issues because I am a life coach.I try to avoid it, but it happens all the time. Men are less prone to just come on in for a consult with JujuMama… They like to take the back door. LOL!

So to ease this sweet King, and take him away from his “troubles” I took him into a guided meditation…

I guided him intoa place of peace with my words. Of course we traveled through time and I allowed him to see the future. Any of us can travel to the past or future to make changes in our lives. He was really relaxed and receptive by the time we returned to the moment.And so of course, he returned the favor…He looked like he was in tears. He asked for and needed hugs. So we began an intense round of connecting with bodies… I faintly recall his hands on my waist again… Recall the original feeling that signaled my need for this connection, back at the restaurant that day…Its baaaccckkk.

BTW – I am starting to get a new sense of the world. What if our bodies are really telling us what our spirits want to say… you know, that we need healing… what if when we have the goose bumps, or feel an electric tingle when we catch the eye of another beautiful human being on Planet Earth – that it’s Source speaking in tongues to our hearts making us long for what we actually need – organically? What if it isn’t lust, or base passion at all? What if everything we think we know is just plain wrong, and living from sensation and high spiritual vibration is the way? I mean, just think about that one for a moment as I go on… I mean really. Ponder it…

Skin met and I felt the vibration of East Africa inside. Maybe he felt my Native American and African and European roots mesh again… love again. Everything we have ever been came to reunite within. It was a luscious space in which to reside. Happy to be alive to receive ~ We both needed the energy exchange so badly that we allowed it to last until early morning… I had indeed known him before. This was a reunification of souls – so clearly I felt put back together again. How sweet the night, and the love tremors that continued to reverberate in my inner layers all day, even days after this bliss. My smile alone became medicine for anyone who saw me that day… Including my husband and children. Now that ~my love~ is full circle.

I am thankful to Source for always leading me directly into the arms of healers. I am so thankful to actually trust life enough to know that I am only knowing, loving, sensing and flowing in my own divine reflection… I am so thankful for life.

Atlanta – I shall miss you.

JujuMama xoxox

Wow!  Last night I had a very powerful experience.  The background is simple.  I have a Universal Love in NYC and I miss him.  When I was there this summer for the tour, which he helped me coordinate, we did not have a chance to “get together”.  He is very busy with things in the city, and I am always busy with things for Jujumama.  But that isn’t why we did not “hook up”.  In fact, I was walking on Broadway and 28th looking for a dress for the event when he found me!  Apparently he had called my husband to find out where I was.  He came to the hotel, to surprise me, but I was on the avenue shopping when we literally ran into each other…

He helped me.  As usual, this Universal Love is always helping me.  He hooks me up with the right people,  he cares about my career and about my happiness.  He is so YANG n YUMMY!  So when I exasperatingly expressed that I needed a dress and to have my hair done,  he quickly showed me the places in the Jungle of the NYC streets where I could get everything I needed in a pinch!  And then it was done!  After my hair do, he came back to escort me to the event in his luscious SUV with black tinted windows and smooth rims to match.  I was a lil late, but that’s OK.  giggle…

He tried to do a few things with me, kinky things, that I could not do, would not do because of the show.  I was late and nervous and all of that… and he was going to sweat my hair out!  Damn!  Thinking back,  I should have done some of those kinky things, I should have said YES…  had I done them, I would have been much more relaxed when I arrived!  LOL!  But I said NO, oddly.  I believe this hurt him.  After all, he was only trying to heal me and relax me… all men are trying to heal women when they suggest kinky interludes… don’t ya’ll know that?  Some women get their panties ruffled over small things…  Men seek to remove the panties and thus the stress!

So long story short.  This man is a really good man.  But, he didn’t come to the show because he had business to take care of.  I suppose he could have told me that as a manager, he had to be in the studio with his artists that Friday nights.  But he didn’t.  And so not coming my show was a stike against him. And, I thought he hadn’t called me afterward, when later I found he had, several times.  We were supposed to spend the evening together… but instead I went to bed angry that he “didn’t call me” and did not show up!  Did I call him?  No!  Why not?  Because he didn’t call me!  (Old paradigm foolishness)

The next day he was angry with me… He called me to find out why I ditched him, why I hadn’t picked up the phone when he rang, why my husband hadn’t answered his calls either.  He was hurt and disappointing.  Well, so was I.  But why?  Why was I holding on to the older version of myself… prideful and gaming?  I tried apologizing, but when you’re dealing with someone who is not yet into all of the Mystical Law of Attraction – instant forgiveness, world peace stuff, it takes more than an apology.  And, my behavior became my reflection in him!

Fine, forget him.  I went to 42nd street to have dinner with one of my mothers (I have mothers and lovers in every state!)  He was supposed to pick me up there, but was a no show, I think.  He said he called me and I did not answer… ok Verizon, where is my damned network!?  By the time Sunday rolled in, things had really deteriorated.  I did the show on Serius Radio that he had brokered for me, and I called to tell him that it went well, but he was not hearing me.  He was upset when he slipped in that he had a room at the W for us Friday night.  Oh no!  My favorite hotel!  Man!

So this is the way it ended in July. He called me after that a few times, but his voice was still hurting.  And I did not know what to say besides I am so sorry… Let’s make up.  But he would not budge.

Weeks passed; I wanted him back.  So I decided to use my own teachings.  I knew that I was responsible for creating this with my older, masculine, ways of thinking, a tit for a tat and all of that.  So  I went ultra feminine!  I started to visualize him getting over it, smiling again when he thought of me and us.  And man, did I start flirting!  Loving men in general brings you into harmony with men in general… I did a video on this one, remember?

So that brings me back to last night.  I was at the laundromat as the hotel I am staying at in Atlanta is without one.  I found myself sitting on a bench outside when this street vagrant walks up and begins talking to me through missing teeth and a crooked smile.  He was wearing all green, alcohol on his energy, and bent over from age!  And his friend appeared shortly thereafter, he was wearing yellow!  Yellow and Green are the colors of Oshun, or Venus!  I took it as a sign.  I told myself what I tell all women… You must embrace ALL men to embrace the man (or men) you love.  SO I embraced these street dudes with my voice and my smile.  We talked for hours!  They were so happy to speak with me, and share their stories.

I repeated to them what I feel about all men – WOW – you are so strong, how did you survive that?  You are so wise.  You are so fabulous.  And they were, one had survived a car accident and then lost his wife.  He showed me the scars.  The other had lost his mother at 6 months old and remembered her smile, and her words!  These guys were like, wow!  They were so happy to share and be heard.  I was happy to hear them.

This brought to mind my friend in NYC.  I missed him.  I wondered about his story, I had never asked him to share… but here I was, learning the things that I may not have done so well with him.  He cares about me, did I care about him?  Why was I so angry at him for not coming to the show… why was I so lacking in compassion for him?  Why did I tell him NO so many times that day?  He wanted to kiss – NO – my lipstick.  He wanted to embrace me – NO – the show… I was even upset with him for not paying for my hair-do… OMG!  I need to care about him.  And so I cared even more for these street dudes.

Later in our chat, they actually went to the store and bought me a beer!  Street guys!  The ones who ask for money.  They found money to get me a beer!  And they helped me lug clothing for a family of five back to my SUV, in the pouring rain!  Finally, and with a sweet good bye, I took one of them three blocks back to his home because it stormed in Atlanta last night… It was such a healing experience… They were so nice to me.

As I pulled into the hotel driveway and sat in my car to wait for the rain to end and unpack the clothing, I answered my cell phone to find my NYC Love on the other end.  He called me!  For the first time in three weeks or more, he called me.  And the conversation was lovely.  I asked him about himself and I showed him that I do care about him and his motives, and his dreams, and I told him how wonderful he is, and has been to me.  I thanked him for everything he has done for me…  His voice was back!  He was smiling again on the phone, I could tell.  He gave me what he always gives and gives so well… he gave me his Yang healing force.  And I said YES to everything he insinuated and demonstrated.  It rained on us and we healed our situation… so lusciously…

Feminine magic at it’s very best… That is what JujuMama’s do!  Right ladies?  And gentleman, thank you my dears.  We love you very much!

JujuMama xoxox

Poem By : Dehejia Maat of Washington DC

NERVE

Holding me
Inhaling your scent

yum…

It
can be so wonderful
watching moonlight
dance across the ceiling
rising and falling
your breath
head on your chest
with our legs interlaced
you treat me
with your lips

sometimes

time
don’t matter
it stands
tree pose
all Namaste like

somebody
was telling me
about faith
and patience
how it takes
all this effort and energy

They wasn’t
talking bout this

a whole new

universe

of mind travel
fabulous
because its chosen…

Poem By DC Poetess Supreme:  Dahejia Maat

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Wow – yesterday I wrote a post on my blog – a very personal sharing about my 14th wedding anniversary and how I cried all morning…

Today I got an interesting comment from a reader named “Lovely”.  I thought I’d use the comment to create for you the image of what a Progressive Relationship actually looks like…  Remember – a Progressive Relationship is not just between lovers… we are talking friends, business partners, and family relations… any of these can be made Progressive!

So this comment hit me at the core.  You have been there, right?  Some “lovely” individual says something to you that bugs you – you dismiss it to save face in the moment, but then resent the person for saying that bullshit?  You get upset that the person had the nerve to say it and then you just take that anger and sit on it for a while,  spread it into your Liver, and your Spleen, and your digestion suffers because instead of dealing with the matter in a Progressive way, you are suppressing your anger?  Or maybe not, maybe you share the story with friends in your Amen corner… and they agree – HOW DARE they say that to you!  You should retaliate, giirrll.  LOL!  Old paradigm folly.

Here is the Progressive way to deal with these “lovely” individuals… because they are not ‘out of line’ – they are beautiful reflections of YOU.  In fact, you attracted them to say just what they said…  Taking things personally is old paradigm news.  It’s so easy to get into the new paradigm, it will make you into a better person and it will make your liver, spleen and digestion much happier!

Here is how to do this – I encourage you to try it… and here is how I dealt with the comment from the reader…

The first premise is that we attract our mirror image… ‘We only attract who and what we are…’.  You’d have to agree with this premise in order to have a Progressive Relationship with anyone, including yourself.  If we do not view life in this way, that we are attracting the people who show up in our lives, then we are simply attracting random kooks to us, in random ways that may or may not be ‘fair’ then we must view ourselves as helpless, hopeless victims.  And that we are not.  Being progressive about these matters means that we literally shift our world view to a deep inner KNOWING that we are Creators of our lives, all of our life experiences happen because we called them to grow us…

That is heavy to some, but when we accept this kind of thinking, we actually become the co-creators of our lives that we were meant to be rather than helpless victims in someone else’s story… right or right?  OK so lets proceed.

So here is the comment “lovely” left – and then I will analyze the comment and how I created or attracted it.  Again, it is imperative that we begin to see the beauty in all of our life experiences, and in all the lovely messengers who come to us – and indeed who we have attracted for our greatest good!

LOVELY’s COMMENT: I “get it” it! I love this blog [post],  however I have a question; Was it intended to be focused on Progressive Relationships or the embrace of our sensuality? I appreciate your willingness to be transparent, however I don’t want to be convinced. I also honor that there gets to be a space for those who share. However, it’s starting to become a religion.

What I like about this space is the exploration of sex, sensuality, tantra and The Universal Law. This is not meant to criticize, it’s meant as a request for “balance”. I think you’ve made your point. You’ve asked the right questions. The truth is also that some of us can “intellectually” get amorous loving; but it’s best that not everyone chooses that prior to maturity. The request is to create a space for “both/and” not “either/or”.

See, I “get” your feelings of not wanting to be like your mother. I “get” the tears you shared of “not playing full out” earlier. I get that a woman first and a person who has loved, lost and awakened. In fact, I’ve recently had one myself! So, share your story AND continue to teach principles and include those who don’t “share” or flirt with “sharing” in the conversation, as “real conscious” choice. This discussion to me is beyond sex and sharing, it’s about getting off of automatic, creating our own path and the willingness to not please everyone. Can you receive that?

I posted here because you often joke about the private messages.

Lovely.

So when I read the message my personality (which is not my actual self, recall that human beings are dual creatures, we are Pure Source Energy AND Dynamic -or changeable – Personality in the same body) went ballistic!!!!  I said to myself – what nerve!  This is my blog and a blog is a web log – a public diary of sorts,  a place to document your own life or whatever the hell you choose to document!  I can write whatever I want!  This is my space.  Who the hell is “lovely” to tell me what to write on my own damned blog.  Lovely did not leave the link to her blog!  Blogs are hard work and done for FREE!  Where is lovely’s financial contribution to my 120 posts that I have worked on for the past two years?  Where is Lovely when I work all night to complete a new story?  Where is Lovely who gives me the courage to continue on even in the face of fear!  Please!

I mean, think about it.  I went to wordpress, paid money for the domain, set up the blog, paid people in India to configure the blog, I sit and write for hours on the blog and so I get to share what I want to share!  Who is to say what I write?  Correct?

But then Pure Source Energy – Peace Itself – kicked in and I allowed the comment to take on a new and progressive light.  After all, if I apply my own Progressive Relationship information – a document and model that I crafted with my very own Mac and my very enlightened thoughts, I would have to look at “Lovely” for the lovely person she is.  I created Lovely!  I called her forth from the Universe to share ME with me.  She is my mirror image.  So what is she reflecting about me?  What is the purpose of what most would consider pure folly?

Well, that is simple.

We attract who we attract for three reasons…

1. We attract what we expect based on our past experiences
2. We attract who we are – the parts of us that are unseen to us, we see in others…
3. We attract the traits that we seek to develop in our own characters

So that said.  In this situation, I attracted lovely for all three reasons.  Here they are:

1.  We attract what we expect. I attracted Lovely to come to my blog, tell me not to write what I write about my own life, in the way that I chose, because that is what I have always expected!!  Listen up!  When I first began this blog, I thought to myself.  Who in the hell wants to read my thoughts?  Who is going to actually click to my story and read me and find some value in me… What am I doing?  I am sharing my life!  This is nuts!  People will find fault with me, they will shun me, they will say that my ideas are far fetched and that my notions are not valid.  Blah Blah Blah F.E.A.R – Fals Evidence Appearing Real.  I did not expect to be well received…

Now = 68,000 visitors later, 489 comments later…  I must still have remnants of that expectation… What do I mean “I must?”  I DO!  Lovely is showing me that I do.  This is why I created her… you see that?

Lovely has shown me that in order to attract better, I have to expect better! I have to actually shift my vibration upwards to believe that I can write what I write, in the way that I write, and for the purpose from which I write, in MY way.  I have to EXPECT that others will find it useful and fabulous!  I can expect that this will happen ALL OF THE TIME.  Why not?  But currently, I don’t.  I obviously do not as I am attracting lovely, Lovely who comes to show me that I am not.  That is the real purpose of relationships, right?  To grow.  Grow how?  Grow into a Peaceful Powerful Productive human being on Planet Earth.  So Lovely is helping me.  She is saying without words “see, this is what you expect and I will give it to you – is this what you want, Kenya K?  Oh no?  Well you have to shift that old expectation, DIVA!”

Fabulous!  Yes?  And in this way, and from this vantage point, I actually LOVE Lovely.  I love her because she shows me where I am in my expectations… and what I must do to evolve.  What a blessing!

So you see that?  You can apply this one in your relationships too!  If you have a hard time with it, call me, we’ll talk!

2.  We attract from others a reflection of our shadow selves. The second thing that I must analyze about Lovely is that she represents the shadow part of me… This is a part that may go unseen to my own self.  The Africans say that you cannot see your own ass crack – it takes others to show us our shit.  Tee Hee Hee…  It is clear that Lovely has an issue with what I wrote.  She said it was problematic because the open relationship thing that I do here is annoying to her, or at least overdone.  I need to “balance” out my posts and be sure to make reading enjoyable for all, including those who are not yet “mature” enough for an open relationship.  OK.  So how is this showing me a shadow part of myself?  Good question!

Simple answer.  I too have an issue with certain things – a great many things.  I still have an issue, for instance, with my brothers and sisters who happen to be Caucasian bloggers who talk about ritual as thought they have just discovered it – like Columbus ‘discovered’ America.  They talk about a “cool, new” candle ritual, for instance, as thought Africans and Asians and Native Americans have not done these rituals since the beginning of time.  They talk about Law of Attraction as though it is new and was not practiced by the Dogon, the Aztecs, the Aboriginals – all groups that were deemed heathens in the modern world.

I take issue with them!  And I have no right to…  I can take issue with THAT but not issue with THEM… And I can’t take my issues with THAT out on THEM by trying to make THEM change in order to please me… Now that is Progressive Lurve… FO YA!

So I comment about it when I see it.  Granted, and at this stage of my evolution, I may not comment on the blog in a rude way, because – as a blogger – I now respect the spaces these bloggers create.  It is their space, and so what business do I have commenting negatively, asking them to change so that I can be more pleased?  But what I do is that I comment in my mind, and to my husband and frankly to anyone who will listen about my displeasure with the entire situation.  I get angry that these bloggers don’t “Get It”!  LOL!  They need to “balance” their modern world view with MY world view.  There were people here 30,000 years ago doing just what they do now!  They need to WAKE UP!  Oh – and by the way, I always preference the topic just as lovely did – “no offense but…” or “I love the blog post, however”… LOL!

So OMG.  I am the same as Lovely!  I want people to change so that I can be contented! Lovely has shown me my Lovely reflection.  And again, by doing so, she grows me, if I can receive it.  She ask me, “can you receive this?” and the answer is YES YES YES!  I receive this blissful moment in time, I look within at the drop of a dime, I ring my evolution chime… I receive you girl, I receive you!

3.  We attract people who have developed the traits we need to develop. Finally lovely has shown me a piece of myself that I need to develop.  I am in love with Lovely for this one, I mean really.    Lovely addressed me based on her personal needs.  She has shown me how to speak about needs, personal needs!  She said that she wants a both/and paradigm, she wants balance, she wants tolerance.  This is something that I need to learn to do more… that is, speak of my own personal needs in a clear and determined way.

No, it does not have to come out like venom,  and Lovely’s communication was sweet!  Nw don’t get me wrong…  I don’t have to want caucasian bloggers to show me that they know that Africans were not heathens, but enlightened beings on the planet doing miraculous stuff.  This pet peeve of mine is simply that, a pet peeve, these bloggers do not have to write as I want them to.  However, I do have to know that I have a personal need, similar to Lovely.  That is:  I want truth about indigenous people to be known.  I want the people who first interpreted the Law of Attraction and other Laws of the Universe to be given their due.  I want that!  That is my personal need and desire and it is valid!

Knowing what I want is VERY VERY important and Lovely knows what she wants.  She has shown me how to describe, in living color and with great candor, my own personal needs.  She demonstrated that to me very well in her comment.  Fabulous!  I take the lesson and will do this more and more!

But, back to lesson #2, what I must stop doing is thinking that someone has to change for me to get what I want and need… Those bloggers do not have to change for my personal needs to be taken care of.  Hell, I could simply start a blog called INDIGENOUS GENIUS and list all the various ways that the indigenous people have made a mark in creating metaphysical truths the world over!  YES!  And I could leave lovely, encouraging, comments on those blogger’s pages with links to my IG blog, explaining that they should check it out! OH YES YES YES! I could even support those bloggers by providing cool informaiton about the roots and foundation of the Law of Attraction, whichi sof course in Ancient culture!  That is what I will do!  But I’d have to know my personal needs as well as Lovely knows hers in order to do that, now wouldn’t I?

SO thank you Lovely.  You are just that.  A Lovely lesson, a beautiful person, my creation and my saviour…

And you see, now I can love you sincerely and honestly instead of faking like I was not upset by the comments.  It is ok to get upset as long as real wholistic thought kicks in and we measure our feelings with the scale of Progressive Relating.  In this way, tolerance and true love is born… the kind of love to be shared with all!

Bliss and Light to you!

OMG – just checked my comments.  Another one from Lady Diana.  Same message as above applied.  I love you bright lights!  I love you so much!  Thank you for being YOU…

JujuMama xoxoxo

Monday was my 14th wedding anniversary and I cried all freaking morning… I cried because I felt old – too old to do what I thought I wanted to do when I was younger, which is to grow up to be my mother.  I felt, frankly, like I had a choice at this junction – to be her or to be me…  I felt old because I was being just like her on the morning of my anniversary – somehow – I was thinking like, looking like and being like my mother… just all of a sudden!  OMG.  It was really eerie.  There were, literally, two me’s living in my body that morning and it was like the real me had to choose to let her go forever…

Here mom is in blue and dad is in the man in grey…  These are my sisters with me…as well. My brother didn’t make this shot.

I mena, bless her heart!  I love my mother so much.  She is awesome.  When I was young, I wanted to literally BE her!  But now at 35 – I have my own path and it is so different from my mom’s path, so very different.  And that made me sad on my 14th wedding anniversary.  I am moving on…  Leaving an entire paradigm behind and, inherently, my mother’s persona too.

I started giving up that dream of becoming her in my 20s when I was initiated as a Kemetic Preistess.  I knew I had to be something new.  That hurt.  So birthing the authentic me – celebrating my progressive, open, relationship at the age of 35 made me feel nostalgic.  When I looked in the mirror that morning, thought about my husband, thought of my children (three just like she had)  – I saw my MOTHER!  She was all in my head and I heard her voice… no I wasn’t high on peyote.  It was the very last sub-conscious vestige of my mother living in me…

My mom is awesome.  She rocks!  Don’t get me wrong.. But human beings evolve from generation to generation and from time to time…

I have gone on my own path.  I have become my own woman and I – unlike her, unlike something she would be willing to do in this lifetime – share my man! You know our parents almost flipped when they heard about our progressive lifestyle.  They had raised us – had paid the 20,000 for our wedding – had put us through college on cash, to have a NORMAL life – and now this!  Both our sets of parents are fairly affluent, “sensible” people.  Conservative even…

So while closing my eyes on the sights and sounds of my mother fighting to remain a part of my blueprint – I thought about sharing. Sure – I share my man now.  I share him?  Yes, and I share myself too!  I do?  Yes, sweet heart you have chosen.  And so I was thinking on sharing…  I share all of me with the world now.

Image from an Article on Polyamory from the NY Times

So, while crying my eyes out, I had this epiphany… I thought – damn.  You share him, he shares you – who else shares – is there a sharing blueprint on the planet that I can reference… Inner file cabinet swings open – OMG – as clear as day – here it is:

The Universe made EVERYTHING – yes, literally EVERYTHING ON THE PLANET to be shared!

It hit me like a train!  Everything?  YES, everything!

Check it out.  Look at the Sun and the Moon.  I home school my kids and the other day they were like, can everyone on Earth see the sun and moon just as I can?  YES!  Even the criminals and the murderers can share the sunlight.  Yes they can- we all share the heat and the love and the light/life of the sun and moon.  Crops – are to be shared, animals (if you eat that or ride that or wear that) are to be shared – natural things are made to be shared!  What crop only grows one corn – what tree grows only one fruit?  It was literally made to be shared – a tree – a stalk of corns – what about water – sky – Earth – soil – stars – shade – minerals – waterfalls – grass – everything made of the Universe itself is sharable…

Natives of this land knew that.  And we think they were demolished because of such folly.  But here they are, cutting your grass, cooking your food, cleaning your hotel rooms.  Those sacred people are back – full force!  And you have to learn their Spanish.  LOL!  Hay – nothing is lost.  Energy is neither created or destroyed… Death is an illusion.

But So what!  Damn.  I am still not like my mother.  I wanted to grow up to be she – and I’m too old to do it = I have learned too much, seen too much, progressed, mother.  This Progressive Share Paradigm is my real conscious choice.

God dammit!  How does this help… that the Universe is as sharing as I?  So what?

Well, Kenya, my darling, you are then made in the likeness of the Universe itself – you are saying yes to ONENESS – yes to Sharing – yes to being shared like the green billowing grasses, like the moon, sun, oceans, rivers, waterfalls – you are such a sumptuous waterfall, Kenya.   Sparkle baby!  You are sharing even the story of the journey, my love, and my griot.  You are sharing your sacred self, sweet as honey.  You even share this vision with your mother…  you are evolving her.  You are made in the likeness of Source itself and you show it!  Kudos Kenya.  Dry your tears luv.  You cannot be what she was and is and will be… you will be what you are and who you will be, you are like me, in time all will see… that you and your sharing are as natural as the spring rains – which we all share – which bring the spring flowers – which we all share – we can all smell the scent of moist roses – feel the love of those beautiful roses.  You, Kenya, are the beautiful rose.  Share my Queen – continue to share… share him, share you and share the story… no matter what – be ONE like me and share…

Yes.  I will share…  Reduced to pure divinity by these statements I heard from the inside of me… Smiling from deep within… Sweet Wankantanka thank you – Namaste – With purpose and integrity, I share.

“Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.” ~Hindu Prince Gautama Siddharta, the founder of Buddhism, 563-483 B.C.

Here is a dedication to my luscious husband and my precious mother for our anniversary…
I love you…both

Cheers!

JujuMama xoxoxo

Article By Contributing Writer:  Queen Pandora

Being intimate with my King last night really brought some revelations to me…

Every single touch of his hand made me feel wanted, loved, appreciated and protected.  He was touching me on the inside.  I could feel our spirits dancing, playing and loving each other.  I felt like I could leave my body and his and we would still be loving each other.  I find this feeling to be not overwhelming but warm and fuzzy…

So, this is true intimacy.  I don’t know if many women experience this and I believe that many should, but this requires a certain level of being vunerable that you should have with your partner.  I am learning that true intimacy not only stretches out of the bedroom but also knows not of time and space.  I think of him and instantly I can feel him around.  I think of him and he calls, I say something in my head and he responds.  True intimacy knows no bounds.

I am not writing this to make any one jealous, but I am writing this to simply express the joy I feel about knowing true intimacy.  It is not about being selfish, it is about communing with each other.  I say it is the worship of each other because each one should be pleased.  The husband knows how to please the wife, the wife knows how to please the husband.  Lets find out what it is that each needs and wants and I guarantee that you will see parts of your partner ) you have never seen before.  This is beyond sexual freedom, true intimacy is spiritual freedom…

King Worship
by: Queen Pandora
Before you speak just undo your belt
Take your next breath and unzip your pants
You is just enough
Come here my King
I can do this all day long
You not only deserve this you need this
Steamy hot passions drip down my cheek
But that does not stop you
Come closer, this is beyond ecstasy
This is intimacy
I feel you like electricity in my viens
Tonight, Today
Moon, Sun, Stars
Come King and get worshipped

~Queen Pandora

Contributing Author Queen Pandora is amazing.  After Six Children she and her husband are still in love, in Progressive Love and living in Open Love… What an amzazing story… Thank You and keep it coming… (pun intended)

Living an authentic life. What does that mean? Everyday I rise and think of how I can grow and be better and yet sometimes I don’t know if some of the things I want to do symbolize growth or deterioration. Despite my best efforts to rise above it I am still confronted with the realities of living in a society that is riddled with lines drawn in the sand and limitations.  The male/yang dominated ideas of womanhood and goodness. These ideas follow me when I pass the kitchen and have no desire to cook, they follow me when I yearn in the night for a lovers touch.

I question the sanctity of my body and my choices to share or not share. The arbitrary definitions of words such as mother, wife, lover, friend, partner, sister….. I wish to define these things for myself. Yet I vacillate because I don’t want to address the question marks in the eyes of those who have known me till today. I think most of us, at least I do, want to live a life free of shame and guilt. I want to know that the love and affection I feel with and for others is not dependent on my adherence to the status quo.

What if I choose to love with reckless abandon? Does that make me less worthy of a life long partnership with someone who can accept me fully. How do I live life for all that its worth, experiencing all that my heart has the capacity to hold, and not suffer the consequences of getting out of line with the communal expectation? Were not all trail blazers somewhat ostracized? I mean Einstein, GW Carver, and others were all considered different. People didn’t always get it when they shared their process and the way they saw the world…

We honor and celebrate these trailblazers and yet somehow we seek and find comfort in conformity. I do to…to a degree. But now that conformity is starting to chafe. It keeps me up at night, wondering. Wondering if I’m living the safe way or the way I want to live. Why do I make the choices I make? Sometimes I fear the disapproval of those that I say I love,….and then I wonder,…If I love them and apparently I expect that they love me…then where does this fear come from.

I see that I have not fully accepted myself as much as I have accepted other peoples version of me. I was raised to be pious even if its only for show and for the benefit of others. I was taught that to live authneticly was to risk the lose of all that I held dear. At the base of many of my conflicts is how to interact in relationships. How much love is love before it becomes foolishness and un-neccisary risk?

Toward the end of my marriage I had been pushed out of my comfort zone so much that I felt that there were no limits to what I would do for my husband. I expressed to him that it was not necessary for us to separate and divorce in order for him to pursue all that he wanted out of life. I was to afraid to say tho, that I didn’t care if he wanted other women. I wasn’t sure if this person that I loved would understand what I ment. I didn’t think he would get it. I used to tell him that marriage was a partnership with someone who agreed to witness your life unfolding and hold the mirror so you could see it yourself. I wanted to say to him that you can do what ever you like and I will still love you. But I was too unsure of this side of myself. I had been told that what I did to honor our partnership was crazy. That it was too much. That….”girl he’s not worth it”…And I think he believed it too. After all we were both pressured and shaped by this societies ideas. So….it came to an end and a new beginning.

The funny thing is we still had to work out our differences. We have children. And have come to a point where we realize that we love each other. Not the cloying, confining, demanding, angry, volitile, emotionally holding hostage, kind of love, but the kind of love that allows us to be who we are without condemnation. And I know this was only a step in my development. Now I say….How far do I go with this love thing. What exactly does it look like for me.

Which again raises a question about sexuality. Now, I don’t think I will fully master my own energy until I clarify for myself, how I will deal with this simple fact of my existence. The ownership issue is really a challenge for me. I don’t want to love one man cause it is demanded of me. Or even because I want everyone else to believe that I am “good”… a good person, good wife, good lover etc. I want to love one man….or 2…or 3… or however many I want to because I want to. Just cause I choose. But how many brothers can hold this bird in an open palm. Allowing me to fly away and return because home is where all of me is allowed and nurtured. Are there brothas out there who can live the life they have asked their women to live for many many generations.

It is no big deal for a woman to accept her man back, or to actually remain and never leave through long term affairs and even second families. Its common in our community for a woman to know that her man is seeing someone else on the the side and even to know who the woman is and it not cause this otherwise “good man” to lose the things and people that he holds dear. How many of you could live the same life? I’m not defending unhealthy agreements in which people live in misery. I am seeking to find my own definition of love and life, to define for myself what I want and to commit to it in a way that allows the universe to take me seriously.

I consider myself to be a desirable woman both internally and externally and I have options for who and how I date a man. Some of them seem to see in me a quest for freedom and demand upfront that they not be required to share. I was puzzled by these demands until a friend of mine shared that they are reflecting to me my own fence straddling. That once I make a commitment I will no longer attract these types of men. So I reflected on the other options. There are those who are a bit more open to individual pursuit but still demand a level of allegiance fostered by fear and intimmidation and then there are those who are totally open to this way of being but are unable to share it with their own life long partner and so set the stage for drama when it is “found out”. And yet there are others who get the total package and I am afraid of what that journey might require. Or I might say that there is excitement. Could this brotha really understand my need for freedom? Could he love me and care for me while keeping his hand open. I certainly hope so.

I am finding that internal compatibility out weights all else. To know that I can look into his face and say I need healing, to say I am unsure, to say help me, to say I will help you, to say we can learn together, to say we can learn apart, to say …… is more and more my dream come true.

I have thought of having the ideal life. All settled in to a one man show. I have thought of having a typical family where “my man” is in fact …Mine. But I’ve been there and done that. And I felt like the prisoner and the warden all at the same time. So I am learning what it means to be free and to allow that to others. Even those who will judge me harshly. To know that its ok for them to withdraw or come closer and to have the confidence to offer my explanations with peace, calm, sincerity and love or to offer no explanation at all.

By Suruma Phillips