Our relationship was not ordinary. We are both upwardly mobile, Howard University Grads, and trained Shamans in the metaphysical Traditions. Having been trained by elders who practice Polygamy, that is: one poly man and many mono wives, we are familiar with alternative lifestyles; have seen them up close and personal.  But we decided not to go that route.

Our decision lasted for 12 strong years until one day, my husband fell in love!  I did not know it at the time, but when he fell in love outside our marriage, my ascent to personal liberation began.

You could not have told me that his falling in love would liberate me back then. I would have knocked you out!  Mama said knock you out – huuuhh!  This was a perilous uphill battle for me.

But this is my Menage a Montage.  In this post I summarize my journey into Bliss as best I can… Maybe it will help you in your relationships!

I will tell you with video (coming soon) and words all about how my husband and I got to this point of openness in our marriage.  Freedom was at first strange and terrifying – Freedom, finally, feels unimaginable good.  I cannot believe I am writing these words… the journey has been life altering.

This did not happen over night and it was a struggle for me to drop the false identity painted onto my skin and into my soul.  Mind of my mind, soul of my soul, how did I allow Western Thought to take total control of me?  Once, just a short while ago, I blogged about how I should have the right to OWN my husband’s Mind, Body, Soul and most especially, his penis!

It only took three years for my husband to convince me release the pain of the past, the brainwashing of modern times, and open to flow and a new Paradigm.  How did he do it?  How did we do it?  Well, it is a rather interesting tale…

So married at the ripe age of 21.  My husband-to-be mentioned, one day in the beginning, that he was interested in Polygamy.  I thought to myself  ‘whatever – I am never going to do that!’  But I entertained his conversation.  I knew I wanted his mind, body and soul in marriage, so I played the game thinking that my special brand of love would end all that talk about Poly.  At 21, I was the bomb.  No man would need anything more than me!

And we did marry. Just 8 weeks into our relationship, one in which I gave myself fully to him on the second date *giggle*, we cemented our love with a fresh one carat rock that would be upgraded as the years passed.  Sure, we got along stunningly until I decided that everything had to go my way.  I was surprised to find that I was one of those controlling women whom I’d always told myself I would never become.  Stunning!

He took my fire for a while but not for too long.  Ladies, I am with the men on this one,  I can’t stand a nag!  I did not think of myself as a nag because I was a cute nag.  I was a sexy as hell nag.  I was a cooking, cleaning, sweet as pie (a lie) nag.  LOL!  I didn’t nag so much as complain when things did not go as I wanted them to, that is not nagging, right ladies, that is being honest!  LOL!  I realized later that I did way more complaining than uplifting.  I did not express to my man how much I respected him, honored him and so forth.  Rather, I took the good stuff in silently and complained about what I felt was bad.

Two years after we married, I feel ill.  It was just after the first baby.  I was hospitilized and found to have a life threatning illness that was not going to go away. In fact, I was more likely to go away as a result of it.  Doctors were not certain if I had a year or not.  What?  At 23 this was a shock.  There is always fortune in the misfortune.  My husband and I bonded, maybe for the first time.  But only because I could not complain anymore.  I could barely talk and I had to eat baby food as the chemo had eaten the cells in my throat.  I had to just lie there in the bed, vulnerable to him, like a damned girl.  I could not get up and put on my big black boots and demand (sweetly) that everything go my way anymore… boo hoo.  I had to depend on him.  I had to trust him.  What?  I had to submit to him and to all the others who helped me at this time.  I asked the Universe to tell me why I was dying and it did – you are dying because you refuse to live as a female.  What?

[Click any colored link to go to the full stories.]

So I had to become female, I had to release control.  This is how I defeated that crazy illness, I had made a deal with the angels.  I promised to be a good girl and listen to my husband, stop the steady complaining, find the good and let him be the King of our home.  I promised I’d find my lost feminine essence.  So after 17 blood transfusions and 6 months in the hospital, I set out to learn the ways of womanhood.

It was really difficult,  I had been raised in the top schools.  Critical thinking was my forte!  My mother did not have to be female, she got to run the house, why did I have to do it?  My training in meditation and the metaphysics came in handy.  I began to consider acknowledging the fact that I had breasts and womb and receptivity and flow.  I began to catch myself when I was ‘doing it’, you know, trying to take over, dishing demands, even as I did these things quite sexily!

So two more babies did flow, even as doctors had attempted to remove my womb!  I had delivered all three children in the comfort of home.  I believe in orgasmic, natural birth and I did it thrice!  Heaven, my darlings.  (Oh yes, make an appointment, I’ll tell you how to do that birth thing right!)  Not only did I bare children, which is a great initiation into womanhood, but I learned how to say ‘Yes Honey” to my hubby, even when I did felt like saying ‘Hell No!’.  I released the old stuff and opened to the new.  But is took years darling!  I mean YEARS!

I realized that I had shut him down to the point of rendering him lifeless in the bedroom!  Yes, at 30 my husband became a lifeless dummy in the bed.  That is when I had to face the hard lesson of the mirror.  I learned that my man was my mirror, and that if I was acting up, he would act up.  If I would not be female, he would not be able to be a man.  SO I continued to shift my demanding ways and watched as he came to life in the bedroom once again!  Heaven. 

So we staved break ups over and over again.

By the time we entered our 10th year together, I thought everything was great, and it was more than a thought.  Things were very good between us.  As I stepped back and allowed him to secure me and lead me, he stepped up his masculine energy.  Yin and Yang were finally born in our relationship!  It was so good that I wanted to share it with others, I began to write my first book about it – Change Your Man – which I had done by simply changing myself!  I wanted to share with women the magic of surrender.  Of course I had to change my own, senseless, irrational need to control which in turn changed my relationship and my man!  I had to trust this man.  Click the Change Your Man tab for audios about the book!

Just when the getting was good, my husband fell in love!  Although he did not open himself intimately to this women, he certainly wanted to, so he asked me how I felt about it.  In between my huffs of sadness and despair, he asked me to at least meet the woman.  In a way I was happy that he told me about it before proceeding to become physical, but in another way I felt betrayed.  And yes, I did meet that woman.  She was quiet, serene, relaxed and wore very baggy clothing and very little make-up.  I was very glamorous, I was not a shy person and I was always dressed to the tee!  I began to really feel betrayed!

If he wanted a shy, quiet type, why had he been married to me all these years?  Damn!

So in the long run, he did not carry on with this young lady.  He had denied the urge to do so at my request.  He was willing to wait for me to feel comfortable with his choices and I appreciated that on the one hand, but felt he might be mad at me on the other.  Turns out he wasn’t mad, he simply moved on to someone a bit closer to home.  He fell in love again!  This time I had to really consider things because this person was a friend.  How dare he fall in love with a friend?  I did feel for her, her relationship was a mess and she had children to raise. But how was I supposed to accept this?

This woman had a different body shape than mine, I thought maybe he wanted me to have this type of body.  I lamented the fact that he did not love me anymore, falling in love with others, I thought, was a sign that I wasn’t enough.  At the time I could not conceive of it.  I was like most American women, love me alone or leave me the hell alone.  I did not understand that Love is not special – that love is love – love is infinite.  I hadn’t a clue that maybe it was possible to love others AND love your partner in different, yet equally powerful ways.  I just would not open brain space for it.

Again, he gave up on that relationship based on my dis-ease and did not violate our covenant by consecrating that relationship.  Safe….

I felt safe again.  My husband actually took our family on a cruise shortly after this one to say – “I am here for you, I WANT to be a part of this family – I LOVE YOU!”.  But it wasn’t enough.  I would not allow it to be enough.  Anytime I saw him on the phone, I immediately thought it was her, or maybe some new chick.  I was going a bit crazy inside as I attempted to debug my system from all these social standards that were making me nuts.  Jealousy, envy, special love, lack of trust, lack of acceptance, intolerance – well, just to name a few.

One full year had gone by and my husband had given up on me accepting what I deemed his arrogant foolishness.   I told him that his desires and wishes were going to tear our family apart.  He did not want this to happen, so he rededicated himself to proving to me that he would always be mine.  MINE!  This did not negate his attempts to explain his position (I have a strong, Yang man – thank God).  I listened with one ear.  With the other ear I listened to the Universe…

So I continued to work on my book for women, I was seeing that maybe there are a few holes in the relationship paradigm, I want to go slowly, and I was pissed to the core about my husband’s requests.  All of this swan in my mind.  But I had to find the mirror.  I know that our partners mirror our own thoughts, behaviors and desires.  I thought about my relationships to men.  I would never allow a man close to me during all my years of marriage because I felt I would be considered a whore, or a tease.  I knew I was not going to cheat, so why flirt?  I had shut that part of me down.

But wait, I love men! I love to have close male friends and companions.  I love to be in the energy of love, the energy is nice.  I like to be the center of a man’s attention with him building my CHI, my Kundalini.  Is this unnatural?  Am I actually a whore to the core? (By the way, who invented the whore concept, was it the same men who stoned women in the streets for adultery or sex before marriage, the same men who burned women at the stake?  Was it the men whom have always had lovers but killed wives who cheat? hmmmm Not blaming men, just trying to find truth.)  No way, it is natural for men to desire women, and natural for women to want to be desired!  This does not end with a wedding vow.  Sure, one can choose to ignore it, but it never actually goes away.

Wait a minute, I am just like my husband! We both desire attention and energy from the opposite sex, we both enjoy the company of the opposite sex, we both love one another and are respectful of the other.  He is willing to be authentic, and I am not, due to fear.  So what is the problem?  Was I REALLY allowing Western Social Thought to dictate my life?  As a Shaman, I have never thought of myself as a Western Thinker.  I guess it was all intellectual, here is a real test of my metaphysical beliefs.  What would be the problem with complying or at least trying to comply with his wishes?  What is the problem with allowing my authentic self to be born?

Eventually, after long days and nights of contemplation, meditation, spiritual practice and communication, I opened slightly more to the notion.  Sure, there were fights.  Things got heated.  It seemed my husband would not stop with the issue.  I wanted the issue to just go away.  I contemplated going away. My parents told me to just come on home, baby.  But life challenges will never go away, we will always be pushed to the next level of self hood.  We can only choose to accept growth or to decline and stagnate.  I think I was choosing growth.  Think of it, how are you being challenged to grow in your relationship?  It may not be poly, but what is it?  Here are a few of those painful growth moments in the form of posts:

• JujuMama The Advocate
• Practice What you Preach JujuMama
• Try Try Again – V-Day
• No TO Life
• Full Moon
• Amazing Me In The Mirror
• I Watched Things Get Ugly

Eventually, and after loads of soul searching, I was really open to the idea. So my husband was actually going to allow me to be just as free as he wanted to be?  WOW!  I never thought in one million years that a man could do that.  Men are more possessive than women.  It seems that women have had to swallow (no pun) this man sharing thing for centuries!  I mean look at the history.  European men have always had lovers, African women were the object of their desire here in the States – that is why my skin is so light!  LOL! African American men, and indeed, men of all race have been involved with ‘affairs’ for centuries.  In Western Africa, because of the Arab trade and influx of Islam, Polygamy is the standard.  But my favorite example of openness are the Native American cultures who did not believe that sex was a part of the marriage contract.  Married women and men were free to accept sacred, and healing love from any member of the community.

As fate would have it – I did end up meeting a man. It was pretty amazing because I was not out looking for booty, this man just appeared from the Ethers.  I felt giddy and afraid, I felt lonely because I could not talk to anyone about what was happening except my husband who of course supported my first relationship outside of my primary relationship.  I wanted to tell my family and friends but I thought they would all have my neck and shun me, cut me from the will, or disown me.  But like it or not, comfortable or not, I had my first boyfriend.

I was in it half heartedly thinking thinking thinking about what everyone would think of me, STILL!  Most of all I wanted my husband to always love me and not lose respect for me.  He seemed far away from that.  He always approved of me and he always reassured me of his love.  It seemed easier, somehow, for me to date this new man than to stand idly by as my husband dated.  So guess what?  My husband did not date!  He waited for me to check back in with him and let him know how things were going between me and my new man!  OMG – I married a spiritually evolved being!

But even after months of me dating my new love, I was not prepared for the summer of 2008 when hubby did have his first sexual experience with someone outside the marriage.  Even as he allowed me to go first and supported me through everything, those old Western thoughts of fidelity and the rage that drives women to slash tires over cheating and so forth came up in me.  I was so angry!  I wanted control back – walking into the unknown is scary and I did not have allies, except the one who I felt had ruined my life – my husband.

It would have been different if I had just ONE girlfriend to talk to.  It would have been different if there were a group of us doing this.  But it was he and I against a montage of social conditioning that swept over me like raging storms.  We rode the tornado together and had on and off love, fighting, acceptance, and pity parties.  I was the one hosting all of the pity parties.  LOL!  I had a business to run, I was still life coaching and working with loads of clients all the while!  I think I was stronger for them due to having real challenges of my own.

By the end of that summer things had simmered down.  My husband saw that I was not quite able to handle things yet and so when my boyfriend broke up with me, hubby ended all contact with his friends.  We were alone, again, as ONE, building our foundation.  He was wise enough to know that the foundation had to be stronger.  My book was released after a fabulous 2008 autumn love affair with hubby.  We were getting along better than ever when we left for our second family cruise in November.  But he had not let the subject go, completely.

To my surprise, he had found a love interest on that cruise, the young lady just so happened to live in the same city as we do!  He wanted to pursue this and he did.  I was OK with it, but not all the way there.  I had been reborn so many time in the years that proceeded this, and so I was more open and accepting by 2009 when the “New Year” rang.  He began seeing this young lady, staying out all night with her.  He’d always ask me if this was OK, I would always say yes – trying.  So he continued with it until Valentines Day when the final shiznit hit the fan!  I went ballistic because he had taken her out on Valentine’s day. Sure he had taken me out and squared me away too, but that is how I felt, like he was squaring me away saving his energy for her!

I ended up in the psych ward after this one (Long Story – V-Day Post).  I laughed when they released me as totally sane and when the psyche doctor asked me if I could counsel his wife!  LOL!

I think that was my last big hump. I was allowing the negative emotions that we have come to worship in this culture – ownership, jealousy, envy, fixed, puritanical, thinking, tradition, pride, vanity, and all the others – to rule my life.  I took some really deep breaths and asked the Universe to release me.  My husband is in love with me.  He simply wants to love MORE! He is not being disrespectful, he is not falling out of love, he is not disregarding my feeling.  What is the harm in it?  I want it too and had already experienced the bliss of it all, with his permission!  So what is the problem.  I had two choices.  Stagnate and allow negative emotions to become my God or Grow and allow new emotions - compersion, tolerance, love, bliss, openness, connection – to shape my unknown future.

FINALLY – I chose the red pill. I became awake by day, released from the matrix of lies that tell us we have to do it the way our parents did it or else!  Lies that tell us we have to live the status quo or become an outcast.  Lies that tell us we have to own another human being in order to feel loved and validated.  It is a HUGE lie to think that one form of love is the ONLY form of love.  There is beuaty in diversity.  I was learning to respect monogamy and to open to poly.  NO, I did not open because I wanted more sex.  I opened because I embrace the expansion that is infinitely unfolding on this planet.  I do not want sex so much as I want the experience of a new, authentic, way of being.  I want expansion beyond a relationship paradigm that fails 55% of the time.  I feel my experiences, as painful and blissful as they are, will be useful to you someday, useful to our children, maybe, because my luscious Hubby and I are blazing a new trail!

By March of 2009 I found myself authentically happy about my new life for the first time in months!  I had cleared through the winter to find release, so sweet, in the spring.  I began to post stories about my many adventures in friendship and expansion.  Here are a few:

• Meet My Luscious Hubby!
• My YES YES YES Equinox Ritual
• My Second First Time
• Weekend In Paris | New Hot Ending
• Suggested Protocols for The Modern Relationship
• What I Think About This Man
• Chocolate Heaven – My Weekend Love
• Men Are So Freaking Smart
• The Amazing Power of ‘Yes Honey’

Our children know all about our lifestyle.  They actually meet our friends on a regular basis.  In fact, my husband and his “girlfriend” took the kids to the Tut exhibit just the other day, gave me a hefty day off. (See image way above)  We are each friends with one another friends.  He likes to check out my guys and I love knowing his partners.  We have developed protocols for sexual intimacy as well as communication.

We are having the time of our lives and we know our work and story will be helpful to many as we are already streaming calls from those of you who want counsel to this end.  I always tell couples that it may take years to build the type of foundation needed to house this next level of expansion and bliss, but the couples who have called so far are more than willing to do the work.

Currently, we are developing a system or protocol for couples who want to open to this form of love.  As relationship coaches, we feel it our duty to share in this way.  Think of the families that could be harmonized.  Think of your own parents and the needless struggles they went through over fidelity.  This may not be the answer for everyone, and poly is not an answer to relationships drama, but simply a road you may travel once your relationship is in tact… See Protocols for the Modern Relationship for our ideas on what an in tact relationship looks like.

But that is the story of this blog – not polyamory, but LOVE and Universal Law – everything you see here is for the advancement of the modern man and woman into a bright new day.  Whether you are monogamous or attempting an alternative lifestyle, whether you are gay or straight, whatever you desire is infinitely possible, it just takes the spiritual fortitude to manifest your dreams and the belief that it is all good – life is good – right and wrong are relative and must be determined on unique spiritual understandings.

Yes we can as human beings on Planet Earth develop systems of peaceful, harmonious relationships, this is our mission.  We are already a success – do join us!  It is all good!

Thanks for stopping in!  Schedule time with me.  Let us talk about your love story.  You can have what you want – we can support you!

Written By:  Kenya K Stevens, CEO JujuMama LLC – www.jujumama.com

I LOVE Facebook!  Yesterday I posted “I Want TO Own Him” on my Facebook page.  I received a massive response to my writing.  Four rather stimulating comments jumped out at me.  Here are my thoughts on each boldly eloquent comment!  I am in love with the young man who posted these!  Amazing!

Read the post “I Want To Own Him” first to make sense of this post…These comments are in response to the idea that maybe human beings are not monogamous, but have been poured into an unnatural relationship mold which causes illness and stagnation.  If you enjoyed the article about my wanting to Own my husband, you’ll love the comments below.

Facebook Comment #1

It has been said that the sphinx is a representation or symbol of human nature conquering animal desires, hence a man’s head is placed upon the prone body of an animal. Thus the sphinx is a symbol of perseverance, fasting, and sexual and emotional restraint. All decisions and actions require a thought, and thus any man/woman in control of her thoughts has complete control over their decisions and actions. Thus I see infidelity as an inability to control animal nature.

-anonymous

JujuMama Reply:

Agreed.  Infidelity, or having secret, guilty, sex outside marriage; sacrificing one’s integrity in this way would seem to be an inability to control the animal nature.  The question is why is the animal running rampant?  How have we come to live in a culture where 60% of individuals or more have had no specific training around taming/training the animal within to emulate the harmonious higher emotions?  This is the entire point of my post from yesterday.  We have been so conditioned to follow, blindly and then ridicule, harshly the vanity of our animal nature, that to actually envision using the animal for something more productive seems crass. Its almost to say that the Biblical concept of sin should be harnessed to create Biblical miracles…

But Indeed it can!  Just as water can be harnessed, air, and wind.  All base or natural, raw forces can be harnessed to create or power something much more complex…Sin or animal lust is simply energy.

Let me say what I mean.  Sex is a basic, base, animal need of the flesh.  Not a problem, right.  Well, there is nothing wrong with base, animal impulses except that they can be abused and misused or harmful when not harnessed to create, uphold or emulate a higher principle.  So sex abscent a focus on spiritual transcendence, or proper breathing, respectful practices, focused energy, authentic Love and so forth, the act is a simple animal fight.  Which ain’t all bad except the energy is wasted and flows into the world unharnessed.

What we have to begin to understand is that, unlike the concept of Biblical sin, there is nothing wrong with the animated or animal body – base needs, such as water or food, sex or sleep.  When we learn to harness the beauty of these animal tendencies and use basic drive to bring us even closer to our higher or authentic selves?   It’s all good – The animal body is beyond good, it’s great – especially when used to uplift, serve and protect the highest energy of whom and what we are which is, of course, peace itself. Without it we’d be doomed to a life of pure thought and contemplation alone – no movement o f any physical sort.

Facebook Comment #2

I must assume that there is are certain consistent characteristics that each individual finds attractive. [Ask my friends about the chin and the ear test. Ear test is easy. I like attached ear lobes. Chin test takes explaining.] Anyway, there seems to be general similarities I see between attractive women. It could be further reckoned that the most attractive women would possess most or all of the attractive traits. Hence, if you date or marry a woman from the most attractive class then it should be easy to recognize the beauty of any woman in the face of my lover, and consequently reinforce my love because I already see the other womans beauty in my other. [though it could trigger a guilt that I'm imagining or thinking of another woman.] But I suppose trouble brews if a woman is encountered who is more possessive of the attractive traits.

-anonymous

Kenya’s Rebuttal:

You see here in lies the problem.  Of course women who are considered ‘beautiful’ share similar traits in this time and day, this is mostly due to the wonderful media which we have collectively rigged to set up ideas of beauty for us.  But maybe more natural things like earlobes or chins play a more primal part.  Mostly, we go with what we know, what we are shown as images of beauty.  But who ever said that we should only find beauty in one thing.  I happen to think all women, all men and all children are absolutely, stunningly, drop dead gorgeous!

What would be the harm in my acknowledging that?  Would that make me a cheater to find beauty in another as well as my primary mate?  Why so?  And what of imagining?  Are we insinuating that human beings aren’t to even imagine another beautiful person when in a mate relationship?  This is getting really scary!  The imagination is a tool for creation.  I have often counseled clients to visualize her mate as even more attractive than he is now.  In this way, one can use the animal energy (looks of the body or attraction to looks of the body) to energize a marriage that has fallen prey to base imbalance – ‘He just doesn’t do it for me anymore – I can’t stand looking at him in the morning”.  Pity.  I have worked with these individuals and employed the combined effort of training the animal to do new tricks that look more like Zen balance – our higher nature.

Facebook Comment #3

Some would tell you the life cycle consists of birth, growth, decay, and death. I prefer birth, growth, metastasis, decay, and death. The former considers aging a natural progression, the latter considers health not as something that peaks at 30 and then declines, but as something that with proper practices can be prolonged indefinitely. In my opinion, a beautiful woman is the living embodiment or symbol of the metastasis required for longevity, and the more you can integrate the components of beauty–given your taste–into a single person/symbol the greater the benefit of the understanding of her beauty.

Ownership is about the responsibility for the care of beauty [as beauty is of benefit to our own health] yet ownership isn’t a requirement to obtain the benefit of beauty–which to me explains the success of pin-up models.

-anonymous

Kenya’s Rebuttal:

Agreed.  I believe that we modern Americans have associated ownership to an innocent and honorable concept like responsibility.  I can clearly see that a woman is delicate, beauty is delicate and must be taken care of.  No problem.  But what you left out of your analysis is that ownership is not just simply taking responsibility of something _ an entire community can take responsibility for the delicate, feminine women -  moreover, ownership is an attempt to possess  a thing.

Beauty is to be cared for, nourished, enjoyed, cherished, but how can we posses beauty itself?  And as you said – there is benefit in the observance of beauty in a thing – there is healing that happens when we feast our eyes on a beautiful or symmetrical item.  But when we want to posses it, such that no one else can be healed by OUR beauty OUR piece of beauty – MINE MINE MINE MINE – MY piece of beauty then there is a serious lac of cultivation in play,  an energy that has driven grown men to war.  Ownership and possession and then the willingness to fight another to hold this beautiful, healing, object to oneself is totally based on core animal energy being unchecked, unharnessed and put to no good use.

Facebook Comment # 4

There are also exchanges at the bacterial level between lovers. More partners creates stronger bacteria. [we all carry our genetic imperfections in our scent. perfumes masque nature.]

-anonymous

Kenya’s Rebuttal:

More partners creates stronger bacteria, and the Earth adjusts creating stronger Immunity.  Have you ever noticed how here in the States there are all these cleaners and so forth – bleach and all?  Travel to places where there are no chemical cleaning agents.  The persons in those places have stronger immunity – why?  Because the body has actually had to do the natural process of building strong immunity due to the existence of bacteria (good and bad) unhampered by chemicals, bleaches, tools and so forth.  S lets not get i9nto this sterile mindset, please.

Besides, bliss itself creates broader immune outreach in the body.  It is proven that a smile, a laugh, a happy voice, and indeed sexual pleasure extends immunity up to 53%! Here’s an article about it - Sick People Need Sex!

Facebook Comment #5

So I disagree [with non monogamy]. I do not heed my base desires out of a fear of spiritual repression. I feel to ignore or transfer desire to my object of affection reinforces my love of the object. The more objects I have the more I have to diversify and spread thin my affections, and thus the less the returns. Like voltage across a capacitor in circuits in parallel.
Monogamy is puncticular taste.
I prefer the appreciation of beauty to love.

-Anonymous

Kenya’s Rebuttal:

What is an object?  I have no concept of the separateness of things you speak of.  When I glance at or love an object I love the essence of it – it is peace itself- we are all one – the object is essentially a part of me!  We must not refuse to consider the fact that we are all essentially one being. I don’t separate objects from people or trees from sun or God from Human Beings.  Universe – Unified Movement – One Being.  When I focus on the rose, the women, the man, the butterfly I am focusing upon consciousness itself.  I see peace itself as structural basis of those perceived things.  Thus the voltage is always singularly pointed.  I do not have to decide which things to like best – I can love all things because it is all me!  Materialism as a concept is a farce!  Nothing material is without God qualities.

I do not heed my fear of spiritual damnation by repressing rather than harnessing base Desire which is as Potent as The Sun’s Fire!

OK – well thank you so much for your comments on facebook!  I hope we can dialouge more on these rebuttles.  This is an awesome exploration of non monogamy.  Blessings to you all!

Kenya K

It’s a sad state of affairs people.  With the infidelity rate at 60% in the United States – yes this is higher than the divorce rate – our culture is experiencing the worst relationship scenario in a long time.  Women and men are simply not seeing eye to eye on the issue of fidelity.  It is not as simple as we’d all like to conclude:  Men just don’t want to be faithful.  It is much deeper than this.  I am finding quite often that men and women simply desire more than their partner can provide, sexually, mentally and spiritually.  I am sure there is a bright side.  There is always a bright side, right?

The issue is ownership.  Should marriage equate to total ownership of another human being, his mind, body and spirit I mean?  When I married at age 21 of course I believed that it did.  I wanted to own my husband.  I wanted to be his only source for emotional connection on an intimate level, as well, I wanted to own his body just as I suspected he wanted to own mine.  I couldn’t see a socially acceptable way around this…but now, maybe like you, I find myself in a severe quandary.

Maybe you are not yet clear on what I mean.  Here are two issues:

Challenge:  I want to own my husband emotionally

Chris Rock made a joke of this in his recent comedy DVD.  He stated that most women are not glad to see her man happy unless she has made him happy.  OK.  That is simply not true, is it ladies? Rock noted that his wife becomes irritable if he has a big, goofy smile on his face for no reason at all, or because he has just come back from a fun event, or because he is thinking of a fun event that he will participate in without her. It all equates to women wanting to own the only right to make her husband smile in that special way.

Let’s take a closer look.  I have tried to find this in my relationship.  I can’t agree with Chris in that I do like to see my husband happy.  However, over the years I have noticed that if his happiness has come from interacting with another woman, even on a friendship basis, my feathers get ruffled.  I simply have not been able to shake the idea that if he smiles at her, lovingly, spends time with her beyond a brief moment, or embraces her with is charm, I notice an immediate, negative, internal reaction.

Of course when he asks me what is wrong I state ‘nothing’.  But inside, I know exactly what is wrong.  He is giddy over an emotional connection with another female.  Simply stated, I want to own that part of him in it’s entirety.  I don’t want to share him emotionally with any other woman.  How common is that?  Where are you on this issue?

Challenge:  I want to own my husband sexually

This is not a problem, right?  Marriage is supposed to mean that his penis belongs to me.  I mean this is just a common fact of life here in the states.  9 out of 10 women would agree.  However, with the infidelity rate at 60% – and that is not simply men cheating on women – how can I continue to actually believe fidelity is feasible, viable, or even possible?  Where did this idea come from and who drilled it into my brain?  I feel like I’ve had a lobotomy that no one told me about as I wake from the stupor of social conditioning!

Let’s break this down.  I myself have seen many a fine man and wanted to instantly make mad, passionate love with him.  Have I acted upon it?  Well, sort of.  My husband and I are evolved.  We have explored the idea of an open relationship and have tried various routes.  I try to shake this thought, but I believe that if I act upon what I consider to be natural instinct that I’d be in violation of my marital covenant and maybe even deemed a naughty girl, a whore, or at best a cheater.  My husband, bless his heart, assures me that this is not the case.  But I don’t believe him.  So I refrain and hold that energy for my man.  Sounds logical so far right.

But what of the fact that those desires never go away?  Is this just a test of the devil?  Who’s warped view is that?  I don’t even believe in the devil – or do I (this lobotomy sucks!)  What of the fact that this constant suppression of energy may or may not be helpful to my growth and development and what of the fact that if I were to attempt to hold by bowels in this way that I’d be sick as a dog?  Nothing of that fact, huh?  To hold the bowels and to suppress the sexual urge are two different animals all together.  Forget about those nasty desires and try with all your might to hold the energy, suppress the emotion and kill the natural drive for expansion and passion.  Don’t sin, be a good girl, hold your loins, lust is the root to all evil…blah blah blah…

Is it Biblical rule or social brainwashing that has us so pent up sexually that the largest industry on the Internet is porn?  Is it natural rule or social conditioning that has us running from ourselves in an awkward attempt to bottle up the human, spiritual drive to relate to others with love?  Who disconnected sex from love adn why did they do it?  What were their motives?  How long will this lunacy last?  And does the situation work (I think that is the most pertinent question.)  Is this relationship paradigm working for you?  Be honest.

Looking at the inverse situation, our marriages are riddled with infidelity and lies.  Is it that we are a nation of social misfits with titty bars, prostitues and porn being our dirty little escape?  Or is it that we are breaking social rules that have never had an adequate context except to keep people in their place and keep order among the peons?  Consider the fact that societies have not always been run this way.  There are Native and Indigenous groups all over the world that do not hold sex as a commodity to be purchased at marriage and held indefinitely.

In fact I have studied cultures who believed in a primary union between man and woman, but it had nothing to do with sex; rather, the union was a social contract.  The men go hunting, my man’s share of the meat goes to us and our kids.  I cook the meat for us and our kids.  We are responsible for the children bor from my womb.  But sex, the blissful act of connection to God itself, Sex is something to be shared with anyone in the community.  Women were once at the helm of her own loins deciding whom she would share her passion with.  There was no violation to sharing bodies and loving deeply with anyone she chose.

So when did this concept of ownership enter the relationship paradigm? I have to do some research to find out. But I tell you, it’s getting really old.  I don’t want to feel angry when my husband has the same natural responses to other women as I have to other men.  I don’t want to feel emotionally out of control when he desires affection from these women the way I desire affection from other men.  I don’t want this silliness for my daughters or my sons.  I want to see sex for what it is, a deeply spiritual,  healing exchange between human beings that can only beget the good…

And you are asking yourself, well what of diseases Kenya K?  What about the safety factor?  I hear you.  However, I have a slightly different spin on this.  I believe human beings are creating reality, even mass illness, with negative thought.  I believe that emotional imbalance is the root to all health disorders.  If we are a culture of guilty sex, with individuals shamed to death from puberty onward for having sexual thoughts and acting upon them, then we create an illness from this guilt.  I believe that sexual illnesses are a direct result of sexual guilt and shame.  Now you might say ‘no way – the government created aids and so forth’.  I happen not to buy that.  I don’t give the government power over my life.  Sure they may have created the substance itself, but we created the possibility for the illness with our sexual guilt and shame just as I created cancer in my womb from anger, depression and my reaction to childhood trauma.

Can I prove any of this?  No.  But I can ask the question again.  Is our relationship paradigm working for you?  50% answer NO – the divorce rate proves it.  In my book 50% is an F.  A big fat F.  It doesn’t work.  Why are we afraid to try something new?

Well, not me, not anymore.  I am currently working on book two of Change Your Man.  I intend to include bold, new solutions – the very spiritually based solutions I am now employing in my marriage.  I DO NOT OWN MY MAN.  I do not own his penis, his spirit, or his mind.  I can no longer hold my happiness ransom to his total dependency on me for all things emotional, sexual and spiritual.  How foolish I was to believe that this was even possible – to own another human being – lunacy.  It’s the lobotomy.

Th notion is as silly as owning land, water and air.  How foolish to believe that we can own trees, animals, or the moon.  How dumb to actually think we can own the sun, stars and sky.  We human beings are just like those intangible realities.  We can place our arrogant flags on the moon and say we’ve conquered it – but it laughs at us and states, I am one with you – I am one with all.  You cannot own the moon and you cannot own a human being.

Because the ownership of bodies began with patriarchal rule, men in particular may have a difficult time releasing women into this new paradigm.  For men, we are property to be owned like chattel slaves.  When we even so much as mention another man, our men become angry, dissatisfied, and insecure.  Men, I feel, may have a deeper issue with this than women.  But the time is now to begin to awaken from our drunken slumber and find real solutions so that our children, and their children don’t have to live under a false sense of security thinking that they will someday grow up, marry and own another human being.  It is simply time to rethink this.

So I have discovered the bright side.  We are being forced to create new solutions. I believe the solutions are far from ordinary and may be individual solutions for each marriage.  I find myself, today, in a challenge of ownership where the only way out is OUT!  I have to find a way out of a pitifully small mold that no longer suits me.  I have to find a way out of a mindset that is based on Protestant, Victorian, Patriarchal values.  Finally, after 13 years of blissful marital union I am facing the fact that I cannot own another person and that one cannot own me.  I feel insecure about this outness.  Out with the old and in with new means creating a new mold.  Now how the hell am I supposed to do that?  I dun know, but I will because:

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…stay tuned.